From the help desk: Hostile Dependency

Now, I bet this will get some bells ringing for some of you.

Shrink4Men also brought us the hilarious Golden Uterus Complex article that’s been doing the step-parenting blog rounds lately.

True, it’s not quite as  funny as GUC but this article examining Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? offers much better insights into why so many remarried couples live life at the bladepoint of a rampaging, unpredictable, angry or entitled ex – who seems to be relatively together in at least some other aspects of her life.

Take a few minutes to read it in the knowledge the insights it contains may not leaving you chortling explosively into your cubicle, but that the benefits will last longer than a wry seen-it-all grin.

Disclaimer: I have no idea whether “hostile dependency” is considered a complex, a syndrome or a hobby. I certainly wouldn’t go around labelling people as “having it” or “not having it”. What the article does offer superbly well, though, is a coherent account of why some remarried people encounter tsunamis of horrendously, ridiculously incomprehensible and damaging behaviour from their exes. Because, honestly, who wouldn’t want to begin to try to understand that stuff?



Filed under Divorce, Linkety-Link, Remarriage, Resources

5 responses to “From the help desk: Hostile Dependency

  1. I say a little prayer of thanks EVERY DAY I’M ALIVE that the bio-mom I deal with is not only sane, but compassionate. Sure, she’s a little weird and even inappropriate at times, but when it comes to co-parenting, I couldn’t have gotten luckier.

  2. Virtually all of us exhibit some form of codependency. This Hostile Dependencey though seems to be codependency on steroids.

    Yah, wow. No wonder Hostile Dependents have “ex”s. And probably a growing list of them.

    With that said, I have known few people who in adulthood, DON’T project some kind of parental expecation onto their spouse. I can’t see this going away anytime soon. We just have to get real about it.



    • True – I suspect there’s a wide spectrum of the degree to which people do it and the insight they have into what’s occurring that would make the difference between normal slight kookiness and total crazy-making, though.

      Thanks for commenting!

  3. cassee01

    you may have already sent me this or maybe not I can’t remember but can you send me the password at smokyblu at yahoo dot com


  4. Kelly

    Hi SMOTY. It;s been a long while since I’ve dropped by your blog, so I’ve only just had the news about your impending marriage. Congratulations, I am delighted for you.
    But, Oh dear, I wish I hadn’t followed your links to the Golden Uterus and Hostile Dependency. Far from finding it funny (must be a defence mechanism if you are in that sort of situation?), I was deeply saddened. So much anger, bitterness, manipulation and self-righteousness! It must be very, very hard if you are contending with even a portion of that stuff.
    Still, there is a wedding coming up, and all that that entails – love, positive hopes for the future, a supportive community of friends and relatives. I really believe in karma, and I feel strongly that your own intentions and actions will shape your future and your future happiness. Good luck!

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