The followup – How Much Should We Change Our Lives? by Urban Stepmom

I recently posted about Urban Stepmom’s dilemma regarding how much we should expect ourselves (and each other) to sacrifice for our stepkids. Wednesday Martin describes this set of assumptions and pressures (internal and external) as StepMartyr Syndrome.

It’s an interesting question, and as with everything stepfamily-related, there are starkly differing opinions out there. Married to Batman has a different take on it from me, for instance.

Lisa at Urban Stepmom has given the issue some more thought and come to a conclusion that will hopefully work for her and her family.

Here’s the start of her update; click through to read the whole post.

…Or Not Change Our Lives?

My last post got me thinking.  Do the kids really come first? Is the greater good of this “family” more important than my needs? How much should I change my life to accommodate this stepmom choice? And I came to a couple of conclusions:

1) Who do I think I am, Mother Theresa?

2) You can’t do something for others and then resent them for “making you” do it.

I realized that over the course of the last six and a half years, since I met my husband, I sacrificed HUGE things in my life, for him, for the kids, for his ex, for them, for what I thought was “us”, for what I thought I was supposed to do.

…..

Click here to read the full post.

From UrbanStepmom.com: How Much Should We Change Our Lives?

How much, indeed?

I found this post on UrbanStepmom recently.

It addresses a key question. People outside stepfamilies often seem to think that as stepmothers we have almost a duty to unblinkingly make whatever concessions of any possible magnitude that are (apparently) required by life with stepchildren because “the kids must come first” or “the kids didn’t ask for their parents to separate”.

True, they didn’t.

But does that mean that a stepmother should automatically, say, take on a one hour plus each way commute to work every day? Or move away from her friends, family, work, social and support networks?

I’m not saying what the answer should be, but I do think that it’s important to question these assumptions, and to weigh them up against the assumptions that a stepfather might face in the equivalent situation.

Because sexism is far from dead, and women still feel enormous social pressure to sacrifice themselves and their needs as carers of children, even when those children aren’t their own.

Absent the same degree of gendered expectations, it seems more than likely to me that our hypothetical stepfather would face less of these “putting the kids first at any cost” assumptions, and feel less push to relocate (or whatever demand was being made) both externally and internally.

What do you think?

I was out  with one of my favorite urban stepmoms the other night for a good chin wag and mid week martini. One of the issues that came up for her was the fact that as her relationship gets more serious with her boyfriend (who has kids obviously) the expectations also become more serious. The main one worth discussing here is where to live now that she’ll be spending more time with his kids.

She is very urban;  a film producer, lives in a swank condo downtown, lots of pilates and martinis, lots of travel, and her boyfriend’s kids live a good 90 minutes drive away. He is currently living with her, where there really isn’t room for his kids, and he commutes to go see his kids on weekends.

Sounds unsustainable in the long term.

She said that they are going to need to move to a bigger place to accommodate the kids when they have them. I glibbly suggested she move to where the kids lived. Her response was “No, he is with me now, and this is my life and this is where I live. It is his choice if he wants to be with me”.  I found this response to be full of empowerment and confidence of a single woman with no kids. I was envious of her steadfast determination to not change her life to accommodate his just because he has kids.

Chances are her soul would die a slow death if she moved 90 minutes away into the thick stillness of suburban life. She likes living downtown and doesn’t see why she needs to change it.

More power to her I say. May as well set the ground rules early on in the relationship before you start doing things and changing things that you might regret. I however, did not embody that empowerment and confidence. I threw myself into the expectations of the role immediately and have always understood that “the kids come first”. Six years later, I’m not sure this is the most airtight mantra for a happy life.

Fortunately for me, I did not have to move into suburbia as I too would have died a slow death not being able to walk to Starbucks, bookstores and my yoga class. I also wisely kept my career which was always a big part of me. I still insist on making time for myself even sometimes instead of spending family time. And I still get together with girlfriends on a regular basis.

But recently we had a situation come up where we were to entertain the idea of moving. My husband’s ex got married recently and her husband lives across the border in the US (he too shares the belief that he is not changing his life for the kids). It is only about a 40 minute drive for us, but if you put the kids first, we had to ask ourselves if our neighborhood made the most sense given that their mother technically lives in another neighborhood (well, country really).

Although I was reluctant,  I tried to have an open mind as we took a drive to a more mutally central neighborhood and toured some homes we could live in. There were some gorgeous homes in this new neighborhood and it seemed like the neighbors were very nice, but on the drive home I listed all the things in my mind I would have to change if we moved there. And it was a long list.

My work commute would be at least an hour each way. I’d have to find a new gym, new yoga studio, new running route, new neighbors to be friends with. I wouldn’t see my friends as much. I wouldn’t see my family as much. I wouldn’t catch much theatre or sporting events. There would be a great deal of change indeed.

But, the kids would be close to their Mom and their Dad. Life would be easier for all of them. The kids would adapt to the change. Would I?

In the end, nothing is happening with any urgency. I think I have veto power. I think I could Kaibosh the whole plan if I felt strongly enough. But because I have been so adaptable in the past, I wonder if I really could veto it if it is “the best thing for the kids”?

 

The Unnegotiables

Boy A once described something as “unnegotiable” – I’ve never forgotten the clumsy word.

A brilliant post from Urban Stepmom got me thinking about what is “unnegotiable” for me.

In the past, I’ve tended to put up and shut up a lot, endeavouring to silently tolerate situations that leave me grinding my teeth.

It’s not that I’m planning to institute a Reign of Terror, but there are certainly aspects of our stepfamily life that give me so much stress or plain niggling annoyance that I need to try to change them.

In the end, gritting my teeth and trying to endure just causes a kind of overflow effect, where the pent-up stress makes me less able to handle other stresses that wouldn’t normally rock me.

The little things often seem to create more frustration that the Big Bad Majorly Ugly Issues.

I’ve always taken the view that I can’t make changes happen by myself; without the Lovely Man on board nothing will be different. Some of these I’ve half-heartedly tackled in the past, been met with assurances that things will change and then watched, frustrated, as the same old song kept on a-playin’.

Maybe it’s a question of really speaking clearly and firmly about my feelings, negotiating solutions and then following through with determination.

In a stepfamily don’t ask, don’t get sometimes translates to don’t insist, don’t get.

One thing I’ve learned is that in selected matters that are REALLY important to you, you can’t afford for your concerns to represent the path of least resistance, or the extended family members who don’t mind recruiting Nasty or Whingy to get their way will automatically prevail.

After all, if I say I really want something, but back down from insisting, the Boys or their Mum’s contrary wishes will always bulldoze through, leaving me waving my tiny garden trowel and squeaking But!.. But!.. in their wake.

So here are some matters I’m going to aim to have formally added to the Family Unnegotiable List over the next few months.

No kids in my ensuite bathroom.

The Lovely Man recently commented that if we were to do a planned remodel where we move the weirdly-sited back toilet into the main bathroom and turn the extra space into a walk-in pantry, we would need to be flexible about letting the Boys use the ensuite if another kid was already in the main bathroom.

If that’s the deal, I’d rather keep my cooking appliances in their current unreachable ten foot high storage cupboards and retain my ensuite sanctuary.

After all, we have another bathroom that the Boys can use in the studio.

Our ensuite is the only place I have in the entire house guaranteed kid free. Otherwise known as The Sanity Room.

Sanity and wee on the floor are mutually incompatible, in my view.

No toys in the loungeroom

Our loungeroom is basically a wide hallway. I’ve tried asking the Lovely Man to encourage the kids to keep toys out of the walkway. I’ve even corralled toys onto one rug so we can transit the loungeroom without clocking up painful Kid Recreational Equipment Injuries.

No matter what I do, the lounge instantly becomes an obstacle course of Lego, remote-controlled vehicles of various descriptions, comics and general junk the moment the kids arrive in our city. I can’t handle the complete encroachment of kid chaos any more.

From next visit, there will be a designated playroom set up near the kitchen.

(Oh, and please don’t tell me That’s just living with kids. We are talking about domestic crazy of Hurricane In ToyWorld proportions here, not just normal kid mess. I have the pictures to prove it.)

Pleases and Thankyous – every time!

Self-explanatory… I don’t feel good about giving or doing for the Boys unless they Use Their Manners.

They’re getting a lot better already – at the instigation of the Lovely Man, impolite requests and answers are met with Pardon? Pardon?

I’m sure it’s violently irritating to them. But it’s also highly, highly effective.

Effective is good.

Kids who don’t answer when offered food/asked for their flavour preference/their opinion don’t get what’s on offer/don’t get consulted further.

I am not going to stand begging them to pick from raspberry or chocolate like they are doing me a favour.

Currently they know that the Lovely Man will make sure he persists until they eventually decide to pay attention.

This visit, they’re going to learn that if they’re not on the ball by my second inquiry, the opportunity to get whatever it is will just fade away.

What’s on your “Unnegotiables” wish list? Or what would you like to put on there if you could?