Recognising (the dynamics of) high conflict divorce

I recently found a fascinating article by Dr Kathy J. Marshack about high-conflict divorce. Although she primarily talks about high conflict divorce with a narcissist, I think her ideas are broadly applicable to other high-conflict personality types.

For me, what was interesting wasn’t so much the pointers on recognising a high-conflict divorce as such (I think most of us know when it’s happening to us!) but the insight it offers into the contribution the lower-conflict spouse makes to the conflict dynamic by playing “nice” and aspiring desperately to co-parent “properly” – even when their ex-spouse is simply not equipped to do so.

In effect, these lower-conflict Care Bear types fuel the fire in their own way by insisting on playing by an inappropriately win-win philosophy, and that’s something we seldom recognise.

Drawing attention to this dynamic is not about blaming the victim; instead, it’s about reminding us of the futility of continuing to remain attached to ineffective strategies even when they’re clearly not working.

If madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, maybe spouses who avoid getting or enforcing court orders and try again and again to reach consensus decisions with high-conflict exes are perpetrating their own version of crazy without even knowing it.

(That being said, I’m not for a moment suggesting that egalitarian ex-spouses attempt to emulate high-conflict tactics… Face it, as well as it being a negative and damaging approach, you’re simply not as good at anger, manipulation and confrontation as a naturally high conflict person!)

It seems to me that one of the major problems is when the egalitarian ex-spouse feels responsible for the rugged shape of the high-conflict co-parenting landscape. They feel like the level of conflict and lack of cooperation reflects badly on them, making them one of those parents who seem unable to “put the kids first”.

Lacking innate understanding of how high-conflict people work, they are sure that by continuing to set good examples of compromise and negotiation and applying the Golden Rule, their ex-spouse will eventually “see the light”, recognise the benefit to the kids and reform their ways. They try valiantly to be the perfect co-parent, perhaps trying to finally “earn” the approval and acknowledgement of their efforts that were never forthcoming during their marriage.

Or they are held hostage by fear of the kids being recruited and alienated by the other parent and become so ginger about not exacerbating the craziness or putting the kids in the middle that they end up a puppet to the whims and agendas of the high conflict parent.

There’s no easy answer, but the way forward is likely to require egalitarian types to have a radical rethink of how they deal with their high conflict ex-spouses, and insist strongly and firmly on appropriate boundaries and structure regarding communication, decision-making and interaction with the ex.

Instituting low-contact communication and adopting a parallel parenting instead of co-parenting model based on detailed parenting orders may offer other ways to mitigate the impact of your very own high-conflict ex-spouse.

Good luck.

From Recognising High Conflict Divorce:

“While controlling people are narcissistic and do not understand you, the other ingredient for a high conflict divorce is the narcissist’s counterpart, a person who works for equality in relationships. This type of person is often very nurturing and self-effacing, and has a strong sense of justice. Thus while the controlling person works toward a win-lose solution to problems, the nurturing or egalitarian person works for a win-win solution. According to Patricia Evans, this places the win-win person at a disadvantage. While the egalitarian person keeps empathizing with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, the controlling person views this behavior as weak and an opportunity to conquer.

Essentially the controlling person creates a power struggle with the unwitting egalitarian. This keeps the egalitarian “on the hook,” so to speak because they can’t seem to realize that they will never create a win-win solution with a controlling person. Sadly it appears to be true that narcissists marry egalitarians and create high conflict divorces all too often.”

Visit Recognising High Conflict Divorce for the rest of the article.

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among separated parents? (from In The Blender)

A couple of days ago, I reposted an article from Suite 101 called How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce in response to the huge weight of discussion in the online step-parenting community about personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the conflict explosions they reportedly generate in separation, divorce and co-parenting situations.

(Some of the comments on that post have been really interesting, and relate equally to this topic. Just so you know…)

To round out the topic, I’m reposting a great article by BioStep at In The Blender that explores Borderline Personality Disorder, the personality disorder most commonly mentioned in relation to co-parenting and divorce.

Only a small portion of BioStep’s article is included here, but it’s well worth clicking through (the link is at the end) to read the rest.

If what you read there rings true for you, there are some good resources available online about Borderline Personality Disorder generally, as well as a Yahoo usergroup specifically for people in “the sad and scary position of having to “co-parent” with a BPD against their choice”, and an online shop where you can buy William Eddy’s classic book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing A Borderline or Narcissist.

(I don’t like the term “bio-mother/mum/mom” and don’t normally use it myself, hence it is not included in the title of this post. Sorry, BioStep!)

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among BioMoms?

It wasn’t until I became involved with the stepmom community that I heard about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  The first book I encountered was “Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” (by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger).  The book asks: Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the next confrontation?

I can hear the pastor of The Church of Stepmom saying, “Can I get an amen???”

If you’re reading the posts on stepmom support sites, BPD symptoms describe the behavior of a lot of biomoms perfectly and many stepmoms freely throw around an armchair diagnosis. But is there really an epidemic of undiagnosed BPD running rampant among biomoms?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

. . . . . . . . . .

Visit In The Blender to read the rest of the article.

The shame of exposure (via Stepsleuth)

Stepsleuth writes one of the most thoughtful, well-informed stepmother blogs around.

I always enjoy her writing and ideas; this post particularly resonated, though, since I’ve become so accustomed to the slow-up-and-down-eyes of first family wives when we are introduced and they realise that the Lovely Man’s Boys are not also my boys.

Accustomed isn’t perhaps the ideal word; nothing could “accustom” me to the unpleasantness of those judgemental, slowly appraising glances.

I wonder if/when it will stop?

I will confess—I love going to B&Bs. I love all the hokey decorations and the faux Victorian stylings. But the one thing I don’t love so much is having to talk to the owners and other guests at breakfast. I prefer my breakfasts quiet—just my husband and me—and (I have to be honest) I really don’t care about chatting it up with people I’ll never see again. But what makes every B&B breakfast ever so much more uncomfortable is everyone’s ine … Read More

via Stepsleuth

Resources: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Many, many separated family members describe the difficulty of co-parenting with high-conflict ex-spouses who they believe suffer from personality disorders, most often Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Of course, few of these “diagnoses” will ever be confirmed by medical opinion, and most are probably applied mistakenly.

In many cases, these disorders become shorthand mis/labels for the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting; in others, people begin to doubt their own sanity in the face of behaviour patterns that seem completely incomprehensible.

Certainly, blogs like The Psycho Ex Wife describe conflicts so hideous that we can only begin to imagine the human cost of dealing with such depleting levels of crazy.

Hopefully, most of us (and the small ones we care about) will never have to cope with pathological narcissism, but if you do, it’s surely better to be informed and gather some strategies; resources are listed at the end of the article.

* * * * * * * *

How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

By Paula Lovgren

Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Abuse Children. -Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Narcissists often use children as pawns during and after divorce. Learn to identify this emotional abuse of children caught in the middle.

The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.

Using Children as Pawns in Divorce

Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their spouse.

If narcissists don’t get custody of the children, after divorce, they may use visitation as a means of control and harassment. They may ask for many changes to visitation schedules to accommodate optional work, social and vacation events. Most often these requests will be to not to have the children when they are scheduled to. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests even when the requests are made for the benefit of the children.

………….

Read the rest of the article at Suite101: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Deesha Philyaw, crazy schedules and humble pie

I have an assignment due.

(Because my MacBook is actually magic, I can hear what you’re thinking right now – yes, I am procrastinating.)

So rather than do the responsible student thing and not post at all, here are a few links that I’ve enjoyed mightily of late.

I’ve followed Deesha Philyaw‘s writing ever since I found her on Twitter; she’s funny, insightful, and writes brilliantly and honestly about co-parenting/stepparenting from an insider’s perspective.

What I didn’t realise until recently, though, was that her stepfamily life is even more complicated than mine and the Lovely Man’s. In fact, by comparison with Deesha we are pathetic little grizzlers who really need to pull our big girl panties up.

In other news, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with two recently separated friends who each declared (slightly defensively, knowing that I am a stepmum myself) that they are NOT going to be “That Kind of Ex-Wife”. Fingers crossed they will both be able to tame their fieryness enough to negotiate the forthcoming challenges in that department…

I’m not going to email either of them The Elmira Gulch Chronicles, Or: How Not To Be THAT Ex-Wife. But I’m tempted. After all, it turns The Wizard Of Oz movie, that foundation stone of all childhood entertainment, into a teachable moment – what’s not to love?

A safer bet might be What To Get The Divorced Parent Who Has Half Of Everything. They’ll be much more likely to giggle than slap me, hopefully.

Finally, I’ve been contemplating writing a follow-up post to a recent article of Peggy Nolan’s about making mistakes as a stepmother.

I’ve made a few stepmum mistakes of my own recently, one of which memorably and terrifyingly – hell, it was a true “worst nightmare” moment – involved sending the wrong person the wrong email…

In general, though, learning where and when to take responsibility (and where not to!) is something I’m working on. I may still write the post sometime soon. Meanwhile, though, if you haven’t read Peggy’s article Eating Humble Pie at The Stepmom’s Tool Box I really, really recommend it.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

What she said

Recently, I had what I call a “No shit, Sherlock!” moment.

The family therapist the Lovely Man and I see from time to time told us something I found so utterly, earthshakingly true that my heart just about halted while I sat like a dazed wombat trying to digest her words.

She said:

People think that when they end a relationship, the difficult or painful dynamics in that relationship will magically disappear. But they’re wrong.

If you were a chronic pleaser or controlled by your partner’s anger or avoided conflict or felt unable to say what you needed while you were a couple, that exact same way of relating will continue between you after you separate. Just with more grief, anger and bitterness in the mix.

Ummm, yeah. Yeah!!!

I have no idea why this had never occurred to me before. It seems so obvious.

What “leftover” dynamics do you find in your stepfamily?