From the help desk: Hostile Dependency

Now, I bet this will get some bells ringing for some of you.

Shrink4Men also brought us the hilarious Golden Uterus Complex article that’s been doing the step-parenting blog rounds lately.

True, it’s not quite as  funny as GUC but this article examining Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? offers much better insights into why so many remarried couples live life at the bladepoint of a rampaging, unpredictable, angry or entitled ex – who seems to be relatively together in at least some other aspects of her life.

Take a few minutes to read it in the knowledge the insights it contains may not leaving you chortling explosively into your cubicle, but that the benefits will last longer than a wry seen-it-all grin.

Disclaimer: I have no idea whether “hostile dependency” is considered a complex, a syndrome or a hobby. I certainly wouldn’t go around labelling people as “having it” or “not having it”. What the article does offer superbly well, though, is a coherent account of why some remarried people encounter tsunamis of horrendously, ridiculously incomprehensible and damaging behaviour from their exes. Because, honestly, who wouldn’t want to begin to try to understand that stuff?

The shame of exposure (via Stepsleuth)

Stepsleuth writes one of the most thoughtful, well-informed stepmother blogs around.

I always enjoy her writing and ideas; this post particularly resonated, though, since I’ve become so accustomed to the slow-up-and-down-eyes of first family wives when we are introduced and they realise that the Lovely Man’s Boys are not also my boys.

Accustomed isn’t perhaps the ideal word; nothing could “accustom” me to the unpleasantness of those judgemental, slowly appraising glances.

I wonder if/when it will stop?

I will confess—I love going to B&Bs. I love all the hokey decorations and the faux Victorian stylings. But the one thing I don’t love so much is having to talk to the owners and other guests at breakfast. I prefer my breakfasts quiet—just my husband and me—and (I have to be honest) I really don’t care about chatting it up with people I’ll never see again. But what makes every B&B breakfast ever so much more uncomfortable is everyone’s ine … Read More

via Stepsleuth

More on Marrying the Wrong Person (via Marriage Gems)

Following on from my post yesterday Do you ever think your partner is Mr Wrong? is Lori Lowe’s sequel article More on Marrying the Wrong Person.

Lori’s Marriage Gems blog is a fabulous resource, and a timely reminder for stepmothers about the importance of insisting on investing in our marriage/relationship instead of throwing ourselves headfirst into wrangling the stepkids or fighting the ex-wife wars at its expense.

After all, we made this commitment primarily to our partners, and while we may have readily signed up for all the “extras” stepfamily life entails, it’s important not to get so caught up by the free set of steak knives that we leave the George Foreman Miracle Marvel Magic Grill Centre* to forlornly gather dust in a corner cupboard.

Or something like that…

*Product may be imaginary and may not be available, instore or online, now or ever.

“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person. But I do know that if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. It is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person.” — author and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar This quote summarizes the discussion we’ve been having about marrying the wrong person. My post last … Read More

via Marriage Gems

Do you ever think your partner is Mr Wrong?

Sorry – random, I know. Yes, and maybe even a tiny bit sexist.

Not at all fair comment on the Lovely Man, either.

Anyway, Lori Lowe’s fabulous article We All Married the Wrong Person on her blog Marriage Gems is hugely worth a read if you’ve ever wondered if your partner is “Mr Not Right For Me”.

And seriously, in a stepfamily situation complete with rampant stress and over-the-phone expletives and mashed potato flying about at mealtimes, who hasn’t?

Lori suggests that marrying/partnering with the right person is actually a question of commitment and not of finding the mythical “perfect match”.

Stepfamilies understand commitment in a uniquely powerful way, I think.

Certainly, one of the most profoundly positive aspects of life in a stepfamily is the enormous reserve of commitment so many of us find in ourselves and our partners; commitment to caring for and nurturing children not our own, to sticking with our partners in the face of enormous challenges from kids and exes, to educating and equipping ourselves for stepfamily life.

Sometimes, that commitment may need a slight refocus – an important part of your commitment to your stepfamily should include a commitment to nurturing yourself, lest you turn into a Disappearing Woman.

How does your commitment show in your stepfamily?

How can you commit to caring for yourself better?

Cupcakery

On Thursday night I made four dozen cupcakes.

Boy C wanted to take treats to school to share with his whole class; while I didn’t have the energy to churn out enough cupcakes from our somewhat makeshift kitchen in the Boys’ City to feed all the kids in Boy A’s and Boy B’s classes as well, I sent them each off with enough cakey goodness for themselves and their teacher and four friends, and promised to bake for their classes next visit. They were fine with that.

Some of my most enduring memories of childhood are of my mother’s wonderful baking; there was very little money to spare in our house but always an abundance of biscuits, lamingtons and patty cakes. She even baked cakes to sell to local cafes using the tiny gas stove in the bus we lived in while my dad was building our house.

While I bake well myself, my focus has long been on producing fancypants grownup desserts rather than bulk kid-friendly treats. I made Nigella Lawson’s vanilla cupcakes (modded by pushing a square of milk chocolate into each one) for the Boys, and while they certainly elicited no complaints, they just didn’t have the moist, dense-but-light deliciousness of my own mum’s recipe.

I would love to think that my cooking could become part of the tapestry of the Boys’ childhood memories, similar to my remembrances of my grandmother’s Neenish tarts and my mother’s amazing cakes. Not in a “motherly” way, obviously, but Boy C greatly enjoys cooking with me and often thanks me for cooking “such yummy things” for them. I really hope we can hold on to cooking as a shared pleasure as he gets older.

Interestingly, I often notice that when I’ve had successes with dishes for the Boys, next visit it will transpire that their Mum has *coincidentally* cooked pancakes or chocolate self-saucing pudding or whatever it is a few times since then herself, and – of course – that hers is HEAPS better than mine, her recipe is the only “right” recipe and my (previously appreciated) way of cooking the dish is now suddenly “wrong”. And suddenly it can feel like I’ve got three little food police watching, critiquing and sometimes rejecting my meals….

I’m never competetive about the cooking thing, but I do work hard to find a niche where I can contribute to the Boys’ lives in ways they can accept, so it stings a bit when their Mum seems to be trying to undermine me on this level. Still, if that is what’s happening (and it may not be!), it can only be because she feels threatened in her role. Strange, because there’s no question in the Boys’ minds or in my mind as to whether I’m a rival mummy figure – it just isn’t that way at all, even with Boy C who has a close and affectionate relationship with me.

For instance, if we’re out and anyone mistakes us for a mum with her kids, the Boys are so quick to discount the idea that it can leave the hapless commenter looking a bit stunned. Recently we were all boarding a plane and the flight attendant on welcome duty made a comment about how much “my boys” look like me. My instant response was “No, they’re not mine, they’re my partner’s boys.” She was a little taken aback, so I added “Sorry, but if I hadn’t told you straightaway then they would have, and that could get noisy!”

So, since there’s no question that the Boys would ever see me as a mother, think of me as a mother or get mixed up about who is their mother, and I’m not in any danger of doing that either, plus I’ve tried to communicate these things to the Boys’ Mum by mentioning how proud they are of her and how loyally they speak about her to us, I wish I could just be left in peace to cook pancakes or meatballs or chocolate pudding for them without being undermined!

How do food and cooking work in your stepfamily?

Storm’s coming

You know how maestro piano players are sometimes described as playing a piece of music “stormily”?

The Lovely Man is in the study at the moment, and I can tell he is writing his email response to the Boys’ Mum’s most recent sound-and-light-show communication because his typing is noticeably stormy in volume, tone and rhythm.

It’s a bit sad that the amount of conflict she orchestrates means that I have learned to distinguish between an email being typed to her and an email being typed to any other random person FROM ANOTHER ROOM!

What are the storm warnings that stepfamily drama is brewing in your home?

Seeing tail lights

It was so GOOD to arrive back in our city after the last five days with the Boys. As one commenter suggested, it was definitely a relief to see tail lights at the end of this particular trip!

Interestingly, Boy A’s behaviour towards me got markedly better three-odd days into our time together, as sometimes happens.

Problem is, often the first three days pass and the hostile behaviour doesn’t abate at all, so this improvement isn’t something we can ever count on.

I really notice that pattern of ongoing hostility and anger from Boy A when the Boys’ Mum has had a flare-up about something in the time between our visits. I suspect there’s way too much emotional and information leakage from her to the Boys… it’s obviously very hard on them.

Nonetheless, the whole emotional switcheroo of angry kid/ok kid/enraged kid/happy kid totally does my head in. Talk about walking on eggshells!

So anyway, it’s a fine thing to be on my home ground, spending time with my friends and living the life of a single girl with no responsibilities for the next couple of days until the Lovely Man gets home. (He has stayed on in the Boys’ city for a Monday school-based handover.)

Happy weekend, everyone!

Stepfamily Roles

Role ambiguity is described in stepfamily research and literature as one of the biggest hurdles for stepfamily members, and especially for stepmothers.

Basically, many of us aren’t sure who or what we are “meant” to be in our new families – to our stepkids, to our partners in relation to their children, to the kids’ other parent/s.

And of course, when you give people an enormous, high-pressure task that that they are really, really motivated to ‘get right’ because their marriage, their family and much of their self-worth apparently depends on their success, BUT you don’t provide them with clear guidance about what to do or how to do it, AND you throw a lot of interpersonal and societal judgement into the mix… well, surely that’s a never-fail recipe for Nightmare Cake.

So anyway, when Anne O’Connor’s thorough, well-written and very helpful article from DivorceMag on Stepfamily Roles recently washed up on my electronic beach, for the above reasons and more I felt it was well worth reposting….

With separate snapshots of information for stepmothers, stepfathers, mothers and fathers on helpful ways to negotiate their roles in the extended stepfamily system, useful, practical dos and don’ts for each role and a special section on the often problematic mother-stepmother divide, this article would be a great one to keep up your sleeve for reference or to send to someone new to stepfamily life.

So, who can relate?

I’ve had this incredibly honest and insightful essay from the StepTogether Message Board about (some) men’s struggle to set appropriate boundaries with their ex-wives open on my browser for a long while now.

A few of you will have come across it; most probably not. I’d guess that more than a few stepmothers will read it and be longing to show it to their husbands and partners… and others will be sighing in relief and gratitude that their days of living with this kind of stress are thankfully over (or best of all, never happened).

In any case, I’ve reproduced  here in full for the benefit of non-clicking types. There’s some fantastic stuff over at StepTogether; it’s a worthy resource and well rewards casual trawling.

MALE EMOTIONAL ADULTERY

By Mike (passem), a stepfather, separated father and contributor to the StepTogether Message Board

When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn’t be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn’t the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn’t reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you’re sending your children. That’s especially important when you’ve remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex’s manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there’s a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you’re the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your children’s respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife’s? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children, including disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You’re also giving in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn’t it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn’t work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you’ll be giving your children the true gift you didn’t give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before, so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you’d better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don’t stop, ever!

This essay was written by Mike (passem), a stepfather and contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.

Deesha Philyaw, crazy schedules and humble pie

I have an assignment due.

(Because my MacBook is actually magic, I can hear what you’re thinking right now – yes, I am procrastinating.)

So rather than do the responsible student thing and not post at all, here are a few links that I’ve enjoyed mightily of late.

I’ve followed Deesha Philyaw‘s writing ever since I found her on Twitter; she’s funny, insightful, and writes brilliantly and honestly about co-parenting/stepparenting from an insider’s perspective.

What I didn’t realise until recently, though, was that her stepfamily life is even more complicated than mine and the Lovely Man’s. In fact, by comparison with Deesha we are pathetic little grizzlers who really need to pull our big girl panties up.

In other news, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with two recently separated friends who each declared (slightly defensively, knowing that I am a stepmum myself) that they are NOT going to be “That Kind of Ex-Wife”. Fingers crossed they will both be able to tame their fieryness enough to negotiate the forthcoming challenges in that department…

I’m not going to email either of them The Elmira Gulch Chronicles, Or: How Not To Be THAT Ex-Wife. But I’m tempted. After all, it turns The Wizard Of Oz movie, that foundation stone of all childhood entertainment, into a teachable moment – what’s not to love?

A safer bet might be What To Get The Divorced Parent Who Has Half Of Everything. They’ll be much more likely to giggle than slap me, hopefully.

Finally, I’ve been contemplating writing a follow-up post to a recent article of Peggy Nolan’s about making mistakes as a stepmother.

I’ve made a few stepmum mistakes of my own recently, one of which memorably and terrifyingly – hell, it was a true “worst nightmare” moment – involved sending the wrong person the wrong email…

In general, though, learning where and when to take responsibility (and where not to!) is something I’m working on. I may still write the post sometime soon. Meanwhile, though, if you haven’t read Peggy’s article Eating Humble Pie at The Stepmom’s Tool Box I really, really recommend it.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!