Even though that step mother (SM1) and my ex husband are now divorced, that step mother still maintains a relationship with Brittany – strained as it is at present. Brittany just saw her last week for the first time in a year, and was amazed at the passive aggressive nature of SM1. SM1 said to Brittany ‘How can you treat me this way after all the effort I went to with your mother to raise you?’. Brittany laughed hard – she spent two weeks twice a year with this woman, tops, and now she is claiming to have raised her WITH me.

I don’t have direct advise here … My ex husband is about to remarry for the third time, and I haven’t had any contact at all with this new woman. I suspect I wont either – Brittany is now 18yo and is carving out her own relationships. I can only relate to you the things that Brittany’s step mothers have done wrong.

I realise that the wedding bells have tolled, so I was wondering, how did you actually finalise this situation?

Granted his now-15 year old son is not a bad child at all. I do indeed count my blessings, because I have read many horror stories about stepkids/stepparent relationships. The worst I deal with is the fact that he’s really quiet like his dad and has a lot of pent up anger (from his mom abandoning him at a young age, dad remarrying and other things). He doesn’t openly rebel, but does little things that reek of passive-aggression! My husband is the custodial parent, so that makes me a custodial stepparent, rather than the EOW kind of arrangement. (He’d been divorced for nearly 8 years when I met him.) It makes for extra work for me, but I’ve always seen that part of the deal as more of a blessing than a curse. When they live with you, it’s easier to establish a relationship and my husband knew from the get-go that he would have to allow me some level of authority in his son’s life. Though I’ve tried to go slow in becoming an authority figure in his life, he still is visibly resentful sometimes when I have to correct him or instruct him.

But I digress. What I wanted to say is that it can work…but only if you’re a VERY STRONG individual who can deal with an ex always being in the picture somewhere. Even when she’s not calling, not present, not intruding…she’s still looming over your relationship. And for me, that is THE PITS!!!! Yes, I thought I was strong. I thought I could deal with it all. And I have been for the most part. But some days I am just MISERABLE!!!!! And, well, I thought I was strong. Some days I guess I am. But other days…well, I almost crumble under the pressure.

The hardest part is that I really do love my husband. He’s a wonderful man, but in addition to this whole ‘past-life’ baggage, I ignored several other traits about him that make us ill-suited for each other. But for the past 3 years, we’ve done really well. We work hard on our marriage. We are sometimes more like brother and sister. We travel together. We try to get out for recreation together when we can. He’s great in bed and we have some really passionate lovemaking. But there is still a nagging feeling that sometimes he quietly resents me because I’m not as engaged with his son as I could be…that I’m not the “replacement mother” for his son that maybe he thought he was getting. And hell, I don’t try to be. The kid has a mother and he has a father. The same way I don’t get all the gushy advantages of being a mother is the same way I shouldn’t be having to take on the full parental responsibility for his son. I do help out. A LOT! I do things for my stepson that his mom and dad don’t make time to do. But some days I’m TIRED! And resentful. And bored. And outside of my true element in life. I feel trapped sometimes. I was a single woman, living it up…traveling when I could, I went back to college, I started learning a second language, I made friends in several states, was enjoying a budding artistic life as a pianist-singer-songwriter-actress (yes, I’ll admit that profile makes me a bit high-strung). And then somehow I started getting all antsy about the prospect of being married. I honestly think I got impatient and didn’t give our courtship the time I/we should have. If we had, I might have been able to truly SEE some of the things that are so difficult/impossible for me to accept now. Maybe I should’ve listened. My DH said many times before we got married that “I don’t want to hold you back.” He knew in his heart of hearts that his role as a father had the potential to put a damper on my adventurous lifestyle. But for whatever reason, I wasn’t listening….or I didn’t really see him as holding me back. And really he hasn’t. We still travel. But DH and his son are more couch-potato types that don’t like to try new things, and that I guess has been sort of difficult for me to adjust to.

Here’s the big problem with it all: marriage is supposed to be different from dating. When we’re dating, we’re exploring our options. We’re getting to know that person/those people who were consider potential mates for life. There is no legal binding and no solid commitment. Marriage, on the other hand, is supposed to afford us EXCLUSIVITY! One man and one woman for one lifetime. Hear me loud and clear: Ladies, when you marry a man who’s a divorcee or has illegitimate kids with other woman/women, you can forget about that exclusivity. And despite all the research I did prior to marrying my husband…all the chats and online convos I had with other ‘childless stepmoms,’ I never knew, until AFTER we were married, how terribly bad this whole exclusivity thing would f**k me up in the head. I mean, some days it’s enough to make me want to run!!!! Does my man have other good qualities? Of course he does. Many of them…otherwise I wouldn’t have married him. But the dark cloud of ex-in-the-picture sometimes overshadows all the good and it’s hard to focus. But what I find myself doing is pushing for other opportunities for exclusivity with my husband (a successful business/nonprofit together, writing books together-something we’re already brainstorming on, traveling together to new places, etc., etc.) Granted these are things we would’ve likely done together anyway, but they become all the more important as opportunities for exclusivity with my husband…doing and becoming things with him that no one else has. Call me selfish, but this is IMMENSELY important to me.

I guess it doesn’t help that I moved into the house he shared with his ex. Or that I left a progressive city to join him in a much smaller town. Or that his deadbeat ex has not paid her court-ordered child support in more than 4 or 5 years (never since dh and I have been married). It doesn’t help that my genius in-laws don’t have the common sense to understand that I do NOT need to hear regular accounts of the failing of hubby’s 1st marriage…or the birth of their son…or what is going on in ex’s life now. Which is why I can’t stand the lil’ town we live in. Do-nothing people who make hobbies of staying in other people’s business.

I’m telling you ladies…if you’re thinking about it and you’re still on the fence about your fatherly Knight-in-Shining-Armor, just consider yourself forewarned. KEEP THE SEARCH GOING and LOOK AROUND SOME MORE!!!!!!! Some days the psychological effect of all this is so bad for me that I don’t even WANT to have kids with my husband. And that’s scary, because that’s a clear sign that perhaps I married the wrong person. Not to mention I’ll be 40 this year, so I struggle with whether to stay in my marriage where we share no kids together or to get out and at least be able to explore other options while I still have good eggs. (And yes, they’ve run tests and I still have a good quality and quantity of eggs, just some minor blockages which could be easily fixed. Hmmm…what does it say about me that I haven’t returned to the specialist to try to have them fixed?) I’m one of those women with a strong maternal instinct and always thought I’d have kids, but the longer I’m married to my husband and dealing with the baggage of his past, I THANK MY LUCKY STARS that I have not gotten pregnant. His family and certain friends of ours are constantly badgering me about having babies, but I am sooooo turned off to the whole prospect of it. Mainly because 1) I can’t give hubby his first child, so a big part of the whole appeal of bearing children is already gone; 2) Having kids with him puts me in the same category with the deadbeat slut ex. What I mean is…somehow I believe it will have people constantly putting us in the same “box,” the same frame of reference, if you will. (We’ll both have kids by him.) And no matter how much I love him, the thought of being constantly lumped together with her with such a significant commonality as a child(ren) is a HUGE turn off for me!!!! We are SOOOOO nothing alike. She: unattractive, uneducated with 3 baby daddies, a party-girl whore who lives a bad example in front of her kids and still tries to paint herself as Mother-of-the-Year. Me: educated, pragmatic, ambitious, several talents and trying to move ahead in life. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not trying to say I have no flaws and she has no redeeming qualities…I am no saint. It’s just that we are like night and day. Which makes me wonder how I ended up with my husband if she was once his “taste” in women. Oh, but we all live and learn…I too dated and was engaged to several unsavory characters before dh and I were married.

Just know that there is a psychological undercurrent that you may not think about until you are well into the marriage. Which is the irony of it all. Nobody can really convince you of how depriving the whole experience can be. Just like all the stories and research in the world didn’t convince me. Some things you just won’t truly “KNOW” or believe until you’re dab smack in the middle of a similar situation.

But I’ll say it again anyway…

DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!

Some of you may be interested in knowing the path we have been on and the progress/back-steps we have taken since I first wrote. Our oldest (21 yr old) is a junior in college…away from home but returns every four weeks for boy friend and a few hours of work to keep viable for her summer job. She has mellowed a bit, is calmer, will always be an adversary, but we tolerate each other. A strong connection between her and 16 yr old sister will always be present and will always color 16′s attitude toward me.

16 is now seeing a therapist for her regressive “mommy” issues and her confrontational attitude toward her father and me. This therapist quickly honed in on the fact that 16 thinks her privileges are actually her rights, and that she is getting more than she gives. 16′s new campaign is to get her learner’s permit, but exhibits no attention to the chores assigned to her and continues to live in the pig pen she calls a bedroom…a truly abhorrent environment, verging on unsanitary. I was advised to step back from having interaction with her when the subject is sensitive and the situation is veering toward explosion. This consultation has been a good thing…not salvation…but the beginning of making us all aware of how we must look at each other. My husband and I have had several consults with therapist…learned we were not doing wrong in our efforts to discipline, assign responsibilities, but mainly in getting married.

I have become alert to some other good advice, particularly regarding MY reactions and anger. Events are occurring around us all the time and the only time they have any meaning to us is when we LET them become part of us. If we let them inside of us, we give them meaning. I have observed this with myself and it has such truth. If I refuse to “own” events, I am merely an observer and my reaction is almost zero; if I open the door and take them to my heart, gut, soul, wherever, I interpret them with relevance to myself…THEN I react. So many of the events swirling around me do not need my involvement, and I must choose to only observe. Some of those events directly affect me and I do let them in. At this point, I am learning I, again, must make a decision…react OR respond. When I react, I find my anger will build and burst out of my mouth unpleasantly. If I respond, I am in gentler control of my verbal reaction. If I do not let them in, I can calmly walk away and only think of them without reaction or response. It works!

So much else has happened and is happening, but we have developed a routine. Wish I could relate everything as it truly is most interesting. We have survived five and a half years of marriage and will continue to work on our relationships.

At the same time, I have a 33 year old son (married working, quite viable and awesome) who took my divorce from his father in a hard way, 8 years ago. He is now back in our lives and a true gem to us all. We are blessed and will continue to work to make life healthy and positive between him/wife and us.

My hopes are that most of you will read my response and know of my deep appreciation for your thoughts, concern, and suggestions. Thank you Crys, Stef, futureblackmail, Terri, Becki…love your “stay true to who you are”…, Our Blended Crew, kimcottrell, and first and foremost, stepmumoftheyear (have read your suggestions and garnered much support) who so kindly pulled out my inquiry and enabled all the response.

May your efforts reward all of you with satisfaction.

Love and regards to all!

I don’t have children of my own and don’t want any. I accept my husband’s 8 year old daughter (met her when she was 3) as exactly that and I am her father’s wife. She lives with her remarried bio mom, mom’s husband and half-siblings. She comes over to our place one day/one night during the weekend.

I am disengaged when she comes over. I do participate or organize in activities if I have time and/or I feel like it. I generally prepare one-two meals or treat us to eating out. That’s it. I don’t have patience for children, even my husband daughter who is *generally* a nice kid.

I think my husband would like me to be more involved but…we’re not going there. It’s his kid, not mine. Discipline standards would lead to clashes. He is willing to let her year old hang out till 10:30 pm and then deal w/the bedtime routine until midnight (reading, chatting, cuddling, etc). Me? After 8pm you’re in your room, period, and lights out at 9;30pm. That’s the way I grew up.

In other words, I preach the gospel of disengagement as the standard for those who marry spouses with children. I realize that others’ circumstances lead to other type of family situations, but I’ve found this to be the best approach for me. I wish my husband’s daughter all the best and she’s part of my life but she’s not part of my family (my parents, two brothers and sisters are). And, quid pro quo, I would be fine if she does not include me in her own family’s activities 20 years from now.