From the help desk: Hostile Dependency

Now, I bet this will get some bells ringing for some of you.

Shrink4Men also brought us the hilarious Golden Uterus Complex article that’s been doing the step-parenting blog rounds lately.

True, it’s not quite as  funny as GUC but this article examining Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? offers much better insights into why so many remarried couples live life at the bladepoint of a rampaging, unpredictable, angry or entitled ex – who seems to be relatively together in at least some other aspects of her life.

Take a few minutes to read it in the knowledge the insights it contains may not leaving you chortling explosively into your cubicle, but that the benefits will last longer than a wry seen-it-all grin.

Disclaimer: I have no idea whether “hostile dependency” is considered a complex, a syndrome or a hobby. I certainly wouldn’t go around labelling people as “having it” or “not having it”. What the article does offer superbly well, though, is a coherent account of why some remarried people encounter tsunamis of horrendously, ridiculously incomprehensible and damaging behaviour from their exes. Because, honestly, who wouldn’t want to begin to try to understand that stuff?

The network

As time passes for me in my stepmother role, I am more and more coming to appreciate the importance of my network. Only a stepmother knows the feeling (or a former stepmother, for that matter) isn’t just a useful mantra, but a self-protective one.

Stepmothers flock together; they find each other, sniff each other out. [No doubt some mothers would say that's because we all stink! So be it; I'm sticking with my metaphor...]

Across two cities, a country and the world, I’ve built my network over the last three and half years, and now there’s always, always another stepmum I can connect with. And almost always, they just get it.

They know it’s like to be partnered with a man who is burdened by separation guilt. (Because no matter who initiated the split, and for what good reasons, they ALWAYS seem to feel guilty, and usually seem to act guilty with their kids and the ex.)

They get how painful it is to feel like an unwanted, unappreciated outsider in your own home. And veteran stepmothers will understand and remind you to feel how that feels, but try not to take it too personally – even if sometimes you’re more successful than others.

Other stepmothers know from experience what a loyalty bound child looks and acts like. This one takes a while to learn, and it’s so confusing at first.

But we were having fun – why is she suddenly hitting me?

Or:

He said blue was his favourite colour, so I bought him blue sheets and now he says he hates blue!

Stepmothers know from experience that stepkids’ mothers aren’t necessarily pleased when you demonstrate a caring interest in the kids. No, they don’t want you to be mean – “wicked” – but…. they don’t necessarily want you to be (too) nice or loving or fun, either. They might expect you to uncomplainingly share the work of looking after their kids because that’s what you signed up for but still refuse to acknowledge or include you as a figure of importance in their child’s life or in the parental decision-making process.

Most stepmums recognise that because this role makes us feel insecure, sometimes we project our shit onto the kids’ mother.

Most of all, other stepmothers realise that talking to most non-stepfamily people about all of the above is generally:

a) pointless – they say unhelpful things like why don’t you just slap the little bugger if she’s acting up? or oh well, only thirteen more years! 

If it’s not a), though, it’s b), and b) is the poisonous cup stepmothers quickly learn not to sip from.

b) includes ouchies like don’t ever forget you’re not the Mother! and Oh, you can’t have kids? At least you have your two beautiful stepchildren. And, of course, that spiky old chestnut you knew he had kids when you married him.

So, that’s the best reason why a network of stepmothers, in person, over the phone and via the www is the biggest gun in your stepmother arsenal. Not to bitch and moan and get drowned in negativity, ideally, but to be able to use shorthand like handover day and disengage to someone who understands everything wrapped up in those words, and knows better than to judge.

Those of us who have a good network know how far it goes toward keeping us sane. Probably if you’re reading this, you have at least begun to tap into some kind of internet community of stepmothers.

But if there was one bit of advice I would offer, it’s that it is so, so helpful to have someone you can meet for a coffee, or a real live voice on the phone. So, adopt a fellow stepmother today!

Where have you found your stepparenting network? Where would you suggest others look to build a network for themselves?

10 Tips for Building a Strong (Re)Marriage : Today’s Modern Family

Another fabulous article from Kela Price at Today’s Modern Family.

These tips are the perfect reminder that stepcouples need more than just a commitment to stick it out no matter what – we need to make extra effort to be happy and have fun in our partnerships, or all the steely-jawed endurance in the world will be for naught.

Enjoy!

10 Tips for Building a Strong (Re)Marriage : Today’s Modern Family.

Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs for 2010

Yay!

I’m thrilled to announce (a bit late – as ever, there’s been lots going on here) that Stepmum Of The Year picked up a gong from the fantastic stepfamily resource site reMarriage Works as one of their Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs for 2010.

If you’re in a stepfamily and are looking for more support and resources – and I’m guessing most of us are constantly schnuffling around for new and helpful information on stepfamily life like a French pig hunting truffles – then head over to reMarriage Works to look at some of the other blogs in the top 10 list.

Some, like Wednesday Martin’s amazing blog and Becoming A Stepmom, will probably be familiar to you, but despite having a blog subscription list the size of the Dead Sea Scrolls there are a few I hadn’t come across before.

And truly, who could possibly resist a blog with a name like Rockstar Coparenting?

Stepfamilies ARE different (and complex)

I got a serve recently for commenting that stepfamilies are different from first families.

Pretty obvious stuff, some might think.

But no, I was firmly told off for saying that stepfamilies aren’t “as good” as first families.

When it comes to stepfamily issues, it seems like very often people hear what they want to hear. Anyone else ever notice that? </sarcasm>

Anyway, the expense of spirit involved in explaining how and why stepfamilies are different, and what the impacts of those differences might be is probably best outsourced.

Next time, I’ll just refer people to this handout, reposted by Sonja Ridden at Stepmother Matters.

THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX

Most people in this day and age understand that the stepfamily is a pretty complex structure. The following explores its complexity:

 

THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX

The structural characteristics which are unique to stepfamilies are:

There is no blood tie between some family members.This is a fundamental characteristic of all stepfamilies.

The stepfamily is born of loss: individuals have suffered important losses such as relationships, community, unfulfilled hopes for the original marriage and family.

All individuals in the stepfamily come together with previous family histories. Initially there are no shared family experiences or traditions.

The stepfamily is constructed differently. An adult (and possibly children) is added to a previously established parent/child relationship. The parent /child relationship predates the couple’s relationship.

There is a biological parent elsewhere in actuality or in memory, with power and influence over family members.

Stepfamily boundaries are unclear. Children are members of two households if They have contact with both biological parents. Parental authority, decisions and financial contributions are often shared between two households.

Stepparent/stepchild bonding is not necessarily established. The major stepparent commitment is often to their partner not to his or her children.

Roles which are not ascribed through a blood tie need to be achieved over time.

Membership in a stepfamily can be unclear and is defined by an individual’s perceptions which change over time.

Sexuality can be heightened – appropriately (between the new couple) or inappropriately (between other family members).

The legal situation in stepfamilies is ambiguous: little legal relationship exists between stepparents and stepchildren; inheritance issues can be complicated.

Stepfamilies are often combining several family life cycle stages simultaneously e.g. bringing together teenagers and toddlers.

These differences mean that the stepfamily is structurally very dissimilar to both the nuclear and single parent family, and that it is certainly considerably more complex than either.

Used by permission: Gerrard, I. & Howden, M., (1998) Making Stepfamilies Work , Stepfamily Assoc. Vic. This handout may be copied for not-for-profit use only, provided the original meaning is retained and credit is given to the copyright owners.www.stepfamily.org.au

Recognising (the dynamics of) high conflict divorce

I recently found a fascinating article by Dr Kathy J. Marshack about high-conflict divorce. Although she primarily talks about high conflict divorce with a narcissist, I think her ideas are broadly applicable to other high-conflict personality types.

For me, what was interesting wasn’t so much the pointers on recognising a high-conflict divorce as such (I think most of us know when it’s happening to us!) but the insight it offers into the contribution the lower-conflict spouse makes to the conflict dynamic by playing “nice” and aspiring desperately to co-parent “properly” – even when their ex-spouse is simply not equipped to do so.

In effect, these lower-conflict Care Bear types fuel the fire in their own way by insisting on playing by an inappropriately win-win philosophy, and that’s something we seldom recognise.

Drawing attention to this dynamic is not about blaming the victim; instead, it’s about reminding us of the futility of continuing to remain attached to ineffective strategies even when they’re clearly not working.

If madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, maybe spouses who avoid getting or enforcing court orders and try again and again to reach consensus decisions with high-conflict exes are perpetrating their own version of crazy without even knowing it.

(That being said, I’m not for a moment suggesting that egalitarian ex-spouses attempt to emulate high-conflict tactics… Face it, as well as it being a negative and damaging approach, you’re simply not as good at anger, manipulation and confrontation as a naturally high conflict person!)

It seems to me that one of the major problems is when the egalitarian ex-spouse feels responsible for the rugged shape of the high-conflict co-parenting landscape. They feel like the level of conflict and lack of cooperation reflects badly on them, making them one of those parents who seem unable to “put the kids first”.

Lacking innate understanding of how high-conflict people work, they are sure that by continuing to set good examples of compromise and negotiation and applying the Golden Rule, their ex-spouse will eventually “see the light”, recognise the benefit to the kids and reform their ways. They try valiantly to be the perfect co-parent, perhaps trying to finally “earn” the approval and acknowledgement of their efforts that were never forthcoming during their marriage.

Or they are held hostage by fear of the kids being recruited and alienated by the other parent and become so ginger about not exacerbating the craziness or putting the kids in the middle that they end up a puppet to the whims and agendas of the high conflict parent.

There’s no easy answer, but the way forward is likely to require egalitarian types to have a radical rethink of how they deal with their high conflict ex-spouses, and insist strongly and firmly on appropriate boundaries and structure regarding communication, decision-making and interaction with the ex.

Instituting low-contact communication and adopting a parallel parenting instead of co-parenting model based on detailed parenting orders may offer other ways to mitigate the impact of your very own high-conflict ex-spouse.

Good luck.

From Recognising High Conflict Divorce:

“While controlling people are narcissistic and do not understand you, the other ingredient for a high conflict divorce is the narcissist’s counterpart, a person who works for equality in relationships. This type of person is often very nurturing and self-effacing, and has a strong sense of justice. Thus while the controlling person works toward a win-lose solution to problems, the nurturing or egalitarian person works for a win-win solution. According to Patricia Evans, this places the win-win person at a disadvantage. While the egalitarian person keeps empathizing with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, the controlling person views this behavior as weak and an opportunity to conquer.

Essentially the controlling person creates a power struggle with the unwitting egalitarian. This keeps the egalitarian “on the hook,” so to speak because they can’t seem to realize that they will never create a win-win solution with a controlling person. Sadly it appears to be true that narcissists marry egalitarians and create high conflict divorces all too often.”

Visit Recognising High Conflict Divorce for the rest of the article.

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among separated parents? (from In The Blender)

A couple of days ago, I reposted an article from Suite 101 called How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce in response to the huge weight of discussion in the online step-parenting community about personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the conflict explosions they reportedly generate in separation, divorce and co-parenting situations.

(Some of the comments on that post have been really interesting, and relate equally to this topic. Just so you know…)

To round out the topic, I’m reposting a great article by BioStep at In The Blender that explores Borderline Personality Disorder, the personality disorder most commonly mentioned in relation to co-parenting and divorce.

Only a small portion of BioStep’s article is included here, but it’s well worth clicking through (the link is at the end) to read the rest.

If what you read there rings true for you, there are some good resources available online about Borderline Personality Disorder generally, as well as a Yahoo usergroup specifically for people in “the sad and scary position of having to “co-parent” with a BPD against their choice”, and an online shop where you can buy William Eddy’s classic book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing A Borderline or Narcissist.

(I don’t like the term “bio-mother/mum/mom” and don’t normally use it myself, hence it is not included in the title of this post. Sorry, BioStep!)

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among BioMoms?

It wasn’t until I became involved with the stepmom community that I heard about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  The first book I encountered was “Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” (by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger).  The book asks: Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the next confrontation?

I can hear the pastor of The Church of Stepmom saying, “Can I get an amen???”

If you’re reading the posts on stepmom support sites, BPD symptoms describe the behavior of a lot of biomoms perfectly and many stepmoms freely throw around an armchair diagnosis. But is there really an epidemic of undiagnosed BPD running rampant among biomoms?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

. . . . . . . . . .

Visit In The Blender to read the rest of the article.

The shame of exposure (via Stepsleuth)

Stepsleuth writes one of the most thoughtful, well-informed stepmother blogs around.

I always enjoy her writing and ideas; this post particularly resonated, though, since I’ve become so accustomed to the slow-up-and-down-eyes of first family wives when we are introduced and they realise that the Lovely Man’s Boys are not also my boys.

Accustomed isn’t perhaps the ideal word; nothing could “accustom” me to the unpleasantness of those judgemental, slowly appraising glances.

I wonder if/when it will stop?

I will confess—I love going to B&Bs. I love all the hokey decorations and the faux Victorian stylings. But the one thing I don’t love so much is having to talk to the owners and other guests at breakfast. I prefer my breakfasts quiet—just my husband and me—and (I have to be honest) I really don’t care about chatting it up with people I’ll never see again. But what makes every B&B breakfast ever so much more uncomfortable is everyone’s ine … Read More

via Stepsleuth

Resources: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Many, many separated family members describe the difficulty of co-parenting with high-conflict ex-spouses who they believe suffer from personality disorders, most often Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Of course, few of these “diagnoses” will ever be confirmed by medical opinion, and most are probably applied mistakenly.

In many cases, these disorders become shorthand mis/labels for the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting; in others, people begin to doubt their own sanity in the face of behaviour patterns that seem completely incomprehensible.

Certainly, blogs like The Psycho Ex Wife describe conflicts so hideous that we can only begin to imagine the human cost of dealing with such depleting levels of crazy.

Hopefully, most of us (and the small ones we care about) will never have to cope with pathological narcissism, but if you do, it’s surely better to be informed and gather some strategies; resources are listed at the end of the article.

* * * * * * * *

How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

By Paula Lovgren

Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Abuse Children. -Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Narcissists often use children as pawns during and after divorce. Learn to identify this emotional abuse of children caught in the middle.

The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.

Using Children as Pawns in Divorce

Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their spouse.

If narcissists don’t get custody of the children, after divorce, they may use visitation as a means of control and harassment. They may ask for many changes to visitation schedules to accommodate optional work, social and vacation events. Most often these requests will be to not to have the children when they are scheduled to. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests even when the requests are made for the benefit of the children.

………….

Read the rest of the article at Suite101: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Super Stepmother Syndrome

Kela Price, founder of Today’s Modern Family is a one-woman trove of family and relationship resources, with a strong focus on stepfamilies.

Kela’s recent article on Super Stepmom Syndrome will, I’m sure, hit a few nerves. If you’re a woman who has tried to control do it all in her stepfamily (and we’ve all been there!), you might find it a trifle confronting, but it’s well worth the challenge.

Super Stepmom Syndrome

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.

Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?

Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.

…….

(Read the rest of the article)