From the help desk: Hostile Dependency

Now, I bet this will get some bells ringing for some of you.

Shrink4Men also brought us the hilarious Golden Uterus Complex article that’s been doing the step-parenting blog rounds lately.

True, it’s not quite as  funny as GUC but this article examining Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? offers much better insights into why so many remarried couples live life at the bladepoint of a rampaging, unpredictable, angry or entitled ex – who seems to be relatively together in at least some other aspects of her life.

Take a few minutes to read it in the knowledge the insights it contains may not leaving you chortling explosively into your cubicle, but that the benefits will last longer than a wry seen-it-all grin.

Disclaimer: I have no idea whether “hostile dependency” is considered a complex, a syndrome or a hobby. I certainly wouldn’t go around labelling people as “having it” or “not having it”. What the article does offer superbly well, though, is a coherent account of why some remarried people encounter tsunamis of horrendously, ridiculously incomprehensible and damaging behaviour from their exes. Because, honestly, who wouldn’t want to begin to try to understand that stuff?

Stepfamily wedding vow suggestions. Anyone? Help!

So, the Lovely Man and I are getting married.

And he wants to include something in the ceremony that includes and maybe even speaks directly to the Boys.

It’s hard to navigate. So I’m cautious.

There are a few “nots”.

I’m absolutely not going to say anything that doesn’t feel true.

I’m not ready to promise the kids anything that isn’t entirely in my power to deliver, or shouldn’t be solely my responsibility, eg I promise to build a strong relationship with you.

And I refuse to say anything that might tighten the choke hold of their loyalty binds – no “Yay, new family, love everyone, take you to be my children, yay!” kinds of things. Honestly, I Googled “stepfamily wedding vows” and there was so much schmaltz that I entered a whole new emotional state – kind of a cross between nauseated and despairing.

(Sorry if that offends anyone – I can imagine lots of stepfamilies where sentimental love statements might not be out of place in a wedding ceremony. Ours isn’t one of them, though.)

Please, could those of you who are married or planning on getting married or just have an opinion share what, if anything, your wedding ceremony had/will have/would hypothetically have specifically related to your stepchildren and stepfamily?

If you’ve already had a ceremony including stepfamily references, how did it work out?

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The followup – How Much Should We Change Our Lives? by Urban Stepmom

I recently posted about Urban Stepmom’s dilemma regarding how much we should expect ourselves (and each other) to sacrifice for our stepkids. Wednesday Martin describes this set of assumptions and pressures (internal and external) as StepMartyr Syndrome.

It’s an interesting question, and as with everything stepfamily-related, there are starkly differing opinions out there. Married to Batman has a different take on it from me, for instance.

Lisa at Urban Stepmom has given the issue some more thought and come to a conclusion that will hopefully work for her and her family.

Here’s the start of her update; click through to read the whole post.

…Or Not Change Our Lives?

My last post got me thinking.  Do the kids really come first? Is the greater good of this “family” more important than my needs? How much should I change my life to accommodate this stepmom choice? And I came to a couple of conclusions:

1) Who do I think I am, Mother Theresa?

2) You can’t do something for others and then resent them for “making you” do it.

I realized that over the course of the last six and a half years, since I met my husband, I sacrificed HUGE things in my life, for him, for the kids, for his ex, for them, for what I thought was “us”, for what I thought I was supposed to do.

…..

Click here to read the full post.

10 Tips for Building a Strong (Re)Marriage : Today’s Modern Family

Another fabulous article from Kela Price at Today’s Modern Family.

These tips are the perfect reminder that stepcouples need more than just a commitment to stick it out no matter what – we need to make extra effort to be happy and have fun in our partnerships, or all the steely-jawed endurance in the world will be for naught.

Enjoy!

10 Tips for Building a Strong (Re)Marriage : Today’s Modern Family.

Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs for 2010

Yay!

I’m thrilled to announce (a bit late – as ever, there’s been lots going on here) that Stepmum Of The Year picked up a gong from the fantastic stepfamily resource site reMarriage Works as one of their Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs for 2010.

If you’re in a stepfamily and are looking for more support and resources – and I’m guessing most of us are constantly schnuffling around for new and helpful information on stepfamily life like a French pig hunting truffles – then head over to reMarriage Works to look at some of the other blogs in the top 10 list.

Some, like Wednesday Martin’s amazing blog and Becoming A Stepmom, will probably be familiar to you, but despite having a blog subscription list the size of the Dead Sea Scrolls there are a few I hadn’t come across before.

And truly, who could possibly resist a blog with a name like Rockstar Coparenting?

Stepfamilies ARE different (and complex)

I got a serve recently for commenting that stepfamilies are different from first families.

Pretty obvious stuff, some might think.

But no, I was firmly told off for saying that stepfamilies aren’t “as good” as first families.

When it comes to stepfamily issues, it seems like very often people hear what they want to hear. Anyone else ever notice that? </sarcasm>

Anyway, the expense of spirit involved in explaining how and why stepfamilies are different, and what the impacts of those differences might be is probably best outsourced.

Next time, I’ll just refer people to this handout, reposted by Sonja Ridden at Stepmother Matters.

THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX

Most people in this day and age understand that the stepfamily is a pretty complex structure. The following explores its complexity:

 

THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX

The structural characteristics which are unique to stepfamilies are:

There is no blood tie between some family members.This is a fundamental characteristic of all stepfamilies.

The stepfamily is born of loss: individuals have suffered important losses such as relationships, community, unfulfilled hopes for the original marriage and family.

All individuals in the stepfamily come together with previous family histories. Initially there are no shared family experiences or traditions.

The stepfamily is constructed differently. An adult (and possibly children) is added to a previously established parent/child relationship. The parent /child relationship predates the couple’s relationship.

There is a biological parent elsewhere in actuality or in memory, with power and influence over family members.

Stepfamily boundaries are unclear. Children are members of two households if They have contact with both biological parents. Parental authority, decisions and financial contributions are often shared between two households.

Stepparent/stepchild bonding is not necessarily established. The major stepparent commitment is often to their partner not to his or her children.

Roles which are not ascribed through a blood tie need to be achieved over time.

Membership in a stepfamily can be unclear and is defined by an individual’s perceptions which change over time.

Sexuality can be heightened – appropriately (between the new couple) or inappropriately (between other family members).

The legal situation in stepfamilies is ambiguous: little legal relationship exists between stepparents and stepchildren; inheritance issues can be complicated.

Stepfamilies are often combining several family life cycle stages simultaneously e.g. bringing together teenagers and toddlers.

These differences mean that the stepfamily is structurally very dissimilar to both the nuclear and single parent family, and that it is certainly considerably more complex than either.

Used by permission: Gerrard, I. & Howden, M., (1998) Making Stepfamilies Work , Stepfamily Assoc. Vic. This handout may be copied for not-for-profit use only, provided the original meaning is retained and credit is given to the copyright owners.www.stepfamily.org.au

Quotes from BoyLand

I’ve now spent a full week with the Boys since the Lovely Man told them about our engagement.

It felt like a long week.

As we expected, they didn’t have a huge amount to say about us getting married. After all, weddings are not usually high on the interest/excitement list for tweenage/pre-teenage boys even in the best of circumstances.

Then, of course, what little they said was well-tinged with ambivalence, and interspersed with plenty of acting out. Again, as expected.

Our goal is to talk about it in a low-key, happy way without forgetting that it’s really a celebration for us, not them.

We try to check in with them, see how and what they are each feeling and address whatever concerns and worries they have.

Plus, while there’s certainly no expectation that the Boys will or should feel at all celebratory, we also don’t want to overplay the whole topic to the point where they start to wonder if us getting married is actually the End Of The World As They Know It.

It’s not an easy balance, and the things that are starting to leak out aren’t necessarily what I would have expected.

For instance, all the Boys mentioned the idea of us having more children. Thankfully, and unlike a number of our less-than-tactful acquaintances, none of them asked whether we were getting married because I was pregnant.

(I’m not. Just saying.)

For instance, Boy C said:

If you were to have boys that would be REALLY COOL but if you have girls then we’ll have to get earmuffs to block out all the squealing!

[That's right, Boy C, because there is certainly no squealing to be heard in a house populated by three boys. Banish the thought!]

At one point, Boy C also draped a (clean) Chux cloth over my head and said:

That’s what you’re going to look like when you get married!

Yeah, thanks. I can’t wait.

*******

Boy B, when asked by the Lovely Man whether he would come to our wedding, said:

Okay, just as long as I don’t have to do anything annoying!

Fear not, Boy B, there will be no embarrassing tuxedos or corny interpretative dance performances or unity candle rituals.

If any of the Boys want to be involved in the ceremony then that’s fine, and they will be given the option in a non-pressuring way just so they know they are welcome, but I couldn’t think of anything worse than pushing reluctant kids to be ring bearers or do a sand ceremony for the sake of demonstrating what a happy little Brady Bunch we are[n't].

*******

Boy A hasn’t had anything specific to say on the W topic, except to ask the Lovely Man whether anything would change about our time with them, and be told, that no, it wouldn’t.

He did have one gem for me, though.

After pretty much ignoring me all week, one morning while the Lovely Man was working and I was trying to orchestrate the school run solo he approached me with an obviously school-issued bit of paper and said:

Boy A: B, I wouldn’t normally let you sign something so important, but this has to be in today and Dad’s not here. Can you do it?

Me: Sure. Pass it over and let me look at it.

So, was it a government-required receipt for exam results, without which he wouldn’t be allowed to proceed to high school? Or perhaps an official authorisation for him to participate in advanced pre-military combat training?

Umm, nope.

I giggled to realise that this Document Most Imperative was…. an order form for his class commemorative tee-shirt! with payment not required until next year!

Wowwee. I can totally see why he might have hesitated to consign something so important to my questionable authority.

*******

Finally, Boy C has let a couple of things slip that make me think he is a bit uncertain about whether the roles in our household will change.

One night when the Lovely Man got called into work I took the Boys to a model-painting activity at a megalopolis shopping centre on the other side of town as a treat. When I delivered them to the painting area, the supervisor said something inane like:

Oh look, kids. Mum has come along to paint as well!

As previously described, these kinds of comments lead to ructions if they go unaddressed, so I said:

I’m not their mum, actually.

And Boy C chimed in with: What are you then, B?

Me: Well, what do you think of me as, Boy C?

Boy C: I know! An ugly old stinky granny?!

Later, as I drove Boy C home, we talked about how that wasn’t a nice thing to say and that it hurt my feelings. He said he was sorry, but I could tell he was a bit thoughtful, and he still sounded confused.

Me: It sounds like you’re wondering what I am to you, Boy C.

Boy C: Yeah. What are you, again? What about when you and Daddy get married?

Me: Well, I’ll be your stepmum, I guess. But you could also say that I’m your dad’s partner, and call me by my first name like always. Or you could call me [Nickname] like Nephew 1 calls me. You could even say I was your step-[Nickname], if you wanted.

Boy C: Could I say that you’re my step greek salad? Or my step chicken schnitzel? Or my step hyper-baric-roller-rocket? Or my….

[and he went on to generate an enormous stream-of-consciousness list drawn from what we had eaten for dinner, his favourite toys of the moment, things that had happened at school and half a kazillion other sources. NOBODY does stream-of-consciousness nonsense-generation as well as Boy C.]

Me: Absolutely, Boy C. As long as it’s nice, you can call me anything you want.

News

I know it’s been a while, and I’m not even going to apologise. Nope, not sorry!

The last month or so has been a really important recuperation time; it’s been so vital for me to take a break from stepmummery (or at least from writing about it…) and focus on reweaving the last few fraying threads of my normal self back together.

For those who’ve asked, my visit to Scotland was gorgeous. Short, yes, but filled with the generosity of friends, beautiful landscapes and cities, reconnecting with faraway cousins, exploring the history and the galleries, the parks and the tearooms (and the vintage clothing shops!) of London. I’m a hopeless history/vintage geek, and my much-younger cousin Rhys was enormously patient with my pokings and peerings around important Tudor-era landmarks and through the delights of every stinky vintage boutique in London….

(To be fair, he’s a very cool guy and *may* have enjoyed the vintage shopping even more than me. Clearly, I’m getting old!)

More importantly, I was able to stand beside my dear friend in the emotional lead-up to her wedding, tie what felt like a gazillion trios of ribbons onto napkins, administer spa treatments as required, get lost on the way to Sainsbury’s the day before her wedding and emerge five hours later with more boxes of grissini than three hundred of even the hungriest kilted Scotsmen could manage to devour. I got to be there to soothe her meltdowns and speak on her behalf as her family at her wedding dinner.

All of which turns out to have been unexpectedly good training, because….. the Lovely Man and I have recently gotten engaged and plan to get married late next year sometime! We’re both very happy and excited, and delighted by all the good wishes we’ve received.

I expected very mixed responses to our engagement news from the Boys, but on the first weekend the Lovely Man had the Boys after we became engaged he rang me from their city (it was his extra weekend with them, so I was at home in our main city) before getting on his plane to say that their initial responses were (mostly) fairly positive.

That was the Lovely Man’s take on it, anyway, eternal rose-spectacle-wearing optimist that he is. Reading between the lines I gather that “fairly positive” ranged from excitement and enthusiasm about the idea from Boy C, who is definitely mercurial but generally pitches his emotional tent in the “delighted with life” campground, to kind of neutral-ish pleasedness from Boy B, to less-than-overwhelming-jollity from Boy A.

And fair enough, because why would Boy A be pleased?

One thing I have learned about being in a stepfamily, though, is that initial reactions don’t mean much and it’s always, always a process. I’m sure that more stuff will come up for each of them. Maybe it already has.

I’m not sure whether it’s a Y chromosome thing, but rarely do the Boys display much in the way of fears or concerns about something when they first get information about it. Usually it seems to take a while to simmer their worries or upset to the surface, so we’ll be on the lookout. No doubt the fur will fly at some point.

I have never considered myself any less the Boys’ stepmum because the Lovely Man and I aren’t married, so it doesn’t feel like the “start of a family” or anything with regard to them. In practical terms I don’t imagine anything much will change about the day-to-day life of our household(s).

In non-practical terms, though, beneath all the fussing and planning and the congratulations of our friends and family, beneath the champagne and flowers, we are both simply and utterly overjoyed to be marrying each other.

Recognising (the dynamics of) high conflict divorce

I recently found a fascinating article by Dr Kathy J. Marshack about high-conflict divorce. Although she primarily talks about high conflict divorce with a narcissist, I think her ideas are broadly applicable to other high-conflict personality types.

For me, what was interesting wasn’t so much the pointers on recognising a high-conflict divorce as such (I think most of us know when it’s happening to us!) but the insight it offers into the contribution the lower-conflict spouse makes to the conflict dynamic by playing “nice” and aspiring desperately to co-parent “properly” – even when their ex-spouse is simply not equipped to do so.

In effect, these lower-conflict Care Bear types fuel the fire in their own way by insisting on playing by an inappropriately win-win philosophy, and that’s something we seldom recognise.

Drawing attention to this dynamic is not about blaming the victim; instead, it’s about reminding us of the futility of continuing to remain attached to ineffective strategies even when they’re clearly not working.

If madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, maybe spouses who avoid getting or enforcing court orders and try again and again to reach consensus decisions with high-conflict exes are perpetrating their own version of crazy without even knowing it.

(That being said, I’m not for a moment suggesting that egalitarian ex-spouses attempt to emulate high-conflict tactics… Face it, as well as it being a negative and damaging approach, you’re simply not as good at anger, manipulation and confrontation as a naturally high conflict person!)

It seems to me that one of the major problems is when the egalitarian ex-spouse feels responsible for the rugged shape of the high-conflict co-parenting landscape. They feel like the level of conflict and lack of cooperation reflects badly on them, making them one of those parents who seem unable to “put the kids first”.

Lacking innate understanding of how high-conflict people work, they are sure that by continuing to set good examples of compromise and negotiation and applying the Golden Rule, their ex-spouse will eventually “see the light”, recognise the benefit to the kids and reform their ways. They try valiantly to be the perfect co-parent, perhaps trying to finally “earn” the approval and acknowledgement of their efforts that were never forthcoming during their marriage.

Or they are held hostage by fear of the kids being recruited and alienated by the other parent and become so ginger about not exacerbating the craziness or putting the kids in the middle that they end up a puppet to the whims and agendas of the high conflict parent.

There’s no easy answer, but the way forward is likely to require egalitarian types to have a radical rethink of how they deal with their high conflict ex-spouses, and insist strongly and firmly on appropriate boundaries and structure regarding communication, decision-making and interaction with the ex.

Instituting low-contact communication and adopting a parallel parenting instead of co-parenting model based on detailed parenting orders may offer other ways to mitigate the impact of your very own high-conflict ex-spouse.

Good luck.

From Recognising High Conflict Divorce:

“While controlling people are narcissistic and do not understand you, the other ingredient for a high conflict divorce is the narcissist’s counterpart, a person who works for equality in relationships. This type of person is often very nurturing and self-effacing, and has a strong sense of justice. Thus while the controlling person works toward a win-lose solution to problems, the nurturing or egalitarian person works for a win-win solution. According to Patricia Evans, this places the win-win person at a disadvantage. While the egalitarian person keeps empathizing with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, the controlling person views this behavior as weak and an opportunity to conquer.

Essentially the controlling person creates a power struggle with the unwitting egalitarian. This keeps the egalitarian “on the hook,” so to speak because they can’t seem to realize that they will never create a win-win solution with a controlling person. Sadly it appears to be true that narcissists marry egalitarians and create high conflict divorces all too often.”

Visit Recognising High Conflict Divorce for the rest of the article.