I got a serve recently for commenting that stepfamilies are different from first families.
Pretty obvious stuff, some might think.
But no, I was firmly told off for saying that stepfamilies aren’t “as good” as first families.
When it comes to stepfamily issues, it seems like very often people hear what they want to hear. Anyone else ever notice that? </sarcasm>
Anyway, the expense of spirit involved in explaining how and why stepfamilies are different, and what the impacts of those differences might be is probably best outsourced.
Next time, I’ll just refer people to this handout, reposted by Sonja Ridden at Stepmother Matters.
THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX
THE STEPFAMILY IS COMPLEX
The structural characteristics which are unique to stepfamilies are:
There is no blood tie between some family members.This is a fundamental characteristic of all stepfamilies.
The stepfamily is born of loss: individuals have suffered important losses such as relationships, community, unfulfilled hopes for the original marriage and family.
All individuals in the stepfamily come together with previous family histories. Initially there are no shared family experiences or traditions.
The stepfamily is constructed differently. An adult (and possibly children) is added to a previously established parent/child relationship. The parent /child relationship predates the couple’s relationship.
There is a biological parent elsewhere in actuality or in memory, with power and influence over family members.
Stepfamily boundaries are unclear. Children are members of two households if They have contact with both biological parents. Parental authority, decisions and financial contributions are often shared between two households.
Stepparent/stepchild bonding is not necessarily established. The major stepparent commitment is often to their partner not to his or her children.
Roles which are not ascribed through a blood tie need to be achieved over time.
Membership in a stepfamily can be unclear and is defined by an individual’s perceptions which change over time.
Sexuality can be heightened – appropriately (between the new couple) or inappropriately (between other family members).
The legal situation in stepfamilies is ambiguous: little legal relationship exists between stepparents and stepchildren; inheritance issues can be complicated.
Stepfamilies are often combining several family life cycle stages simultaneously e.g. bringing together teenagers and toddlers.
These differences mean that the stepfamily is structurally very dissimilar to both the nuclear and single parent family, and that it is certainly considerably more complex than either.
Used by permission: Gerrard, I. & Howden, M., (1998) Making Stepfamilies Work , Stepfamily Assoc. Vic. This handout may be copied for not-for-profit use only, provided the original meaning is retained and credit is given to the copyright owners.www.stepfamily.org.au
Tell it, sister! That is so true, and to me SO obvious! It doesn’t mean one type of family is better or worse, just that they’re different – and that’s OK, but it really helps when it’s understood.
Appreciate the post and the reminder :-)
I so so agree and can’t believe it needs spelling out to people! I am a mother of 3 aged 8 to 15 and yet step parenting has challenged me beyond anything i could have imagined. It is without doubt the most difficult role i have ever fulfilled and its challenges and complexities still cause me stress, despite my confidence as an experienced biological mum and the open hearted determination with which I approached the role. The truth is, blood counts. Blood binds, blood is tribal. Blended families are not better or worse. They are ,quite simply, vastly different and require a whole different skill set to successfully negotiate and thrive. They require vast amounts of compassion, forgiveness, patience and insight . So too do ALL families but whereas blood makes love and forgiveness almost automatic, blended families require conscious EFFORT to apply those qualities.
Thankyou for highlighting the important differences. Acknowledging them helps us overcome the difficulties and celebrate the good.
PS!!
Please may I have your email so i might be able to form a password and join in re protected postings. This insight is soooo valuable to me
lucy
I recently got told off for asking for support – I’m a kind-of stepmum. And I took my blog down for all of 24 hours as a result of my ‘mother in law’ – seems she sides with biology rather than the woman who brings up her grandson… but the main thing is that Stepmums don’t have a voice and I think it’s really important to MY sanity that you keep posting and say what you say… I have always agreed with everything you say.
How do I get a password? I love the way you write – SPOT ON and I feel like I’m living your words. Please let me know!!
Oh, SO good to hear your words, again.
All you are pointing out is TRUE! Along with comments made in “The Stepfamily is Complex” (everyone of which I support) and the several comments from readers, I want to add that blood connection gives to RIGHT to confront and deal with issues that develop within the family or blended family. I, as a stepmother, have been given permission by my husband to correct his children, but they do not receive it that way. He must have continual, private admonishment with them to point out I must not be treated with disrespect. They, then, do not respect HIM by saying they hear him and understand…they argue and debate with him.
The children were brought up (before I came) with their happiness based upon them getting what they wanted, being served and pacified, and being the center of all attention. I arrived having raised an independent, now 32 year old son. My husband does not want to nurture the old habits, so both of us are trying to teach a mature, independent growth for the 15 and 20 year old girls whose mother has become a saint because she died.
If this is not complex, I wonder what it is. All info above exists in my situation. My history means nothing, because I am not to compare them to my son…this is according to the stepchildren, not my husband. The children don’t care about my relatives, unless they can materially benefit in some way.
Do not be daunted by criticism, Stepmumoftheyear. There are many behind you! Great to have you back!
Dear Stepmum,
How can I get a password to your protected posts?
Thanks.
I wholeheartedly agree. Let me tell you! I raised two children by myself working 60+ hours a week and that was easy compared to being a stepmother! I will go to my deathbed stating that the hardest thing I ever took on was that of stepmother. I am so blessed because my family (mom and sisters and brothers) are so very supportive. And, I have the best friends/women in my life.
Everything you stated is spot-on! Thank you for giving us a place to visit and a place where what we are experiencing can be shared. It is comforting.
Could you please provide me with the password needed to see the most recent post?
Thanks! :)
Hi there. Wondering if I can get the password for your protected post?
can I have the password?
You’re spot on in saying many only hear what they want to hear. We wrote about the “Yeah, but…” syndrome this month. http://www.stepmommag.com/blog/
Yes, hon… youve been off line for a while now… Just saw that your back! Can I please have the password too.