Many, many separated family members describe the difficulty of co-parenting with high-conflict ex-spouses who they believe suffer from personality disorders, most often Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Of course, few of these “diagnoses” will ever be confirmed by medical opinion, and most are probably applied mistakenly.
In many cases, these disorders become shorthand mis/labels for the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting; in others, people begin to doubt their own sanity in the face of behaviour patterns that seem completely incomprehensible.
Certainly, blogs like The Psycho Ex Wife describe conflicts so hideous that we can only begin to imagine the human cost of dealing with such depleting levels of crazy.
Hopefully, most of us (and the small ones we care about) will never have to cope with pathological narcissism, but if you do, it’s surely better to be informed and gather some strategies; resources are listed at the end of the article.
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How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce
The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.
Using Children as Pawns in Divorce
Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their spouse.
If narcissists don’t get custody of the children, after divorce, they may use visitation as a means of control and harassment. They may ask for many changes to visitation schedules to accommodate optional work, social and vacation events. Most often these requests will be to not to have the children when they are scheduled to. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests even when the requests are made for the benefit of the children.
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Read the rest of the article at Suite101: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce
I couldn’t agree more. Sadly, my ex has many narcissistic tendencies; being a charming and very intelligent man and having the grandiosity of “a great man”, yet he was a stealth abuser during our marriage, with a desire for subtle and absolute control in our relationship.
Our separation was traumatic and I have watched him recreate an alternative reality, where his actions were idealised as exemplifying all that a father could be; compassionate, supportive, and diplomatic, while my reactions, largely those of disappointment, have been re interpreted as pathetic, immature and “toxic”, enabling him to look even better. I think he even went as far as to suggest that he was abused during our marriage, which I understand is a hallmark sign of an abusive man. It really hurt initially. No longer though.
We are still caught in legal battles, years after our actual separation, largely because of the sorts of issues outlined in the article.
Fortunately, as the article recommends, “separating ourselves” as much as possible, has been relatively easy, as he lives elsewhere. And hence, our children have been spared many of the problems associated with having a narcissistic parent, which is a relief.
I don’t think its an easy journey for any woman to share parenting with an ex with narcissistic tendencies (almost all narcissists are male). It’s something I expect to be dealing with for years down the track.
All I can say is god help the next woman he becomes involved with!
Great article. Thanks for sharing it. And I hope your stepkids appreciated the feast of snacks, juices etc that you had ready for their stay….though they never seem to last long. : )
Yes, I gather most people with personality disorders do generally try to twist the situation and portray the target person as an abuser. And presumably people with NPD get a lot of juice out of door-to-door selling the image of themselves as abuse victims…
Some years ago I had a boss who obviously (in retrospect) had NPD; it was the most awful – even terrifying – experience of my life. The histrionic rages, the elaborate traps and the bizarre attempts to build himself up when he had failed in some way were a complete and utter headfukk. I can’t begin to imagine how awful it must be for people who are/were partnered to somebody with similar behaviours.
You must have needed to be tough to come through ok so far! Hopefully you will also be able to find a workable way forward in your outstanding dealings with your ex.
It’s so true. I also had a boss like that a few years ago. He was always very charming to me, but he had taken a dislike to another colleague, and undermined her constantly – all in the guise of trying to help her overcome her shortcomings. He flattered me, and I suspect many others, by talking to me about his concerns for this person, and enlisting my help. It wasn’t until I’d left the situation, and also heard her side of the story, that I realised how manipulated I’d been.
That was work, and I moved on. It must be scary to be involved in a relationship with someone like that, especially if there are kids involved so you can’t make a clean break.
I think you were one that suggested that the shit might have a personality disorder. I’m not sure but there’s clearly something fucked up about him.
I imagine the kids also have to deal with a parent that runs hot and cold with their emotions. One minute the kid is the centre of the parents’ universe, the next they are shunted away to the side.
I’m not sure whether I suggested it, but as you say, The Shit obviously has some massive issues – I’m just sorry you copped the brunt of his storm.
Truly, some of the things that happened during your breakup (and while you were together) were just so twisted. I’m really glad you’re safe out of there.
“Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. ”
This, along with many descriptions of borderline personality behavior, describes the BM perfectly.
Thank you for this article. I wish I didn’t recognize so much of the characteristics. It makes me even more scared for the kids.
OMG… this so describes my freinds situation… Her ex used to leave all the parenting to her and now acts like hes a “super dad”!!! which woiuld be great if he wasnt just doing it to mess with her and the kids. Sometines I think he does it to mess with his new girlfreinds mind! Like a puppet master, pulling all the strings and making the people around him dance! Shes recovering but its sad to watch the new g/f get caught in the web of his deception.
Yes, it’s interesting when one parent’s child-rearing (usually a father’s) changes dramatically post-divorce.
Hetherington and Kelly describe the phenomena of the “divorce-activated father”, where a dad uses the divorce as a catalyst to become far more actively involved with his kids.
Understandably, mothers often view this apparently inexplicable increase in parenting motivation as stemming from manipulation. Sometimes, as with your friend, it may well be so.
On the other hand, it’s unfortunate when a person’s determination to believe the worst about their ex after divorce/separation prevents them recognising genuine improvements in parenting commitment and involvement.
What a shame it has to be so complicated!
I’ve pondered this whole issue so much, ever since reading your original post, and then the comments. It’s funny how my first reaction was to think about my old boss, who was a genuine work-place psychopath, but not my own friends, who obviously don’t have personality disorders…..do they?
The revelatory moment came when I read the quote “Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or make themselves look better”. Surely, I thought, we all want to be in control of the situation, and make ourselves look good. But I guess the key words are “any means possible” – as I understand it, personality disorders are diagnosed when ordinary personality traits are taken to such extremes, or applied in such a way, as to be dysfunctional, and to cause suffering to the individual or to others.
And so maybe, under the stress of divorce, with so much at stake, this happens to ordinary personality traits in ordinary people, not because they have a personality disorder, but because of the circumstances.
I originally started to look at a few of these step-family blogs because of a particularly acrimonious divorce that 2 of my close friends are going through. I’ve stayed close to both, and from each of them I hear such different versions of the same events that I start to wonder whether they even live on the same planet, let alone share a common and at one time loving history. It certainly makes me realise what tenuous concepts “truth” and “reality” are. Yet, I don’t think either of them are lying, or deceiving themselves, they just have very different truths.
Both of these people have very admirable qualities, but both also have their faults, of course, because they are human. I’ve seen these faults overcome their usual judgement under the stress and acrimony, mistakes are made, but theses faults and mistakes are then picked up on and amplified by the other until you have….voila, a personality disorder.
What is now happening is that through their contacts with lawyers and psychologists and others who feed off the divorce industry, they are both picking up and flinging about a lot of the terms that you also have used, such as “personality disorder” and “Parental Alienation Syndrome”. I see this as a point of no return from the standpoint of them ever being able to develop a civil parenting relationship. Now if the kids raise a grievance, accusations of PAS fly about (and the grievance isn’t addressed), even through my perception is that both have made an enormous effort to remain neutral in front of the kids. And, as you pointed out, if one one them attempts to make improvements in their behaviour, or explain or justify their actions, they’re just as likely to be met with: well of course s/he would say that and sound convincing – typical of their personality disorder, there’s bound to be an underlying motive.
It’s bloody sad.
And that brings us back to the conversation you had with Lou, about labelling, how sometimes it can be helpful in developing understanding, but how it can be counter-productive as well.
I’m enjoying the philosophical discussions that arise from your blog. The amount of research you do, and share, is phenomenal. Thanks.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, Kelly.
I think you’ve absolutely nailed it re the way normal personality traits are magnified by the stress and conflict of divorce, perhaps (in some cases) coming to mimic the traits and behaviours that correspond with diagnosable personality disorders, but usually only in relation to circumstances, situations and people involved in the divorce dynamic. So rather than BPD, I think one or both members of many ex-couples experience a kind of transient divorce-related personality disturbance. The trouble is that this can last for a long time, or even (it may be) become entrenched in the ex-spousal relationship.
After all, if you read stepmother blogs, you know that every second “bio-mother” (I don’t like that term, but it’s hard to know what would be a succinct substitute) has borderline personality disorder, yet often these are obviously people who function relatively normally in other aspects of their lives. And, of course, we are only hearing one side of the story in most cases and it’s impossible to estimate how much poor and exacerbatory behaviour might be stemming from the “other”/bio-dad + stepmom half of the dynamic.
(That being said, many bloggers describe conflict scenarios so ugly and apparently unwarranted that I wonder how they possibly get up each morning and make it through their days…)
One of the possible explanations for these high levels of perceived personality disorders relates to the “rebound” factor – when a couple are together their personality differences are minimised, often deliberately as well as unconsciously, and when they separate they “fling” apart, often migrating further away from their previously shared positions than they might otherwise gravitate in an attempt to re-establish an individual identity, generally without even realising it. So everything each does can seem completely out of character (and even to be evidence of pathology) to the other!
It’s easy to label, and hard to accept responsibility – while there are clearly people struggling with ex-spouses who have genuine personality disorders (unsurprisingly, since personality disorders are a huge risk factor for divorce/separation), I suspect that many of the labellings that happen are a symptom of conflict and a sad and sorry part of the process of adjusting to the idea that an ex who used to be “everything” to a person is now, unfortunately, the enemy. As you say, it is really sad.
I decided to post this article, and another one coming up shortly not to allow readers to gather evidence against their exes, but to provide information. In some cases more knowledge will cause people to rethink accusations of personality disorder for ex-spouses who don’t really fit the bill, in others it might hopefully provide an “a-ha!” moment for people dealing with conflict of avalanche proportions who are beginning to wonder if it is in fact them with the problem.
Dealing with a BM with mild NPD but amazing how it’s still so abusive. My SS said “my mom always gets her way” when he was just 9 years old – they know…
any chance anyone knows Stepmama Metamorphoses? I LOVED reading her blog but now need an invitation & I don’t know how to contact her. Please pass her my email address if you can
I’ve forwarded your email address to her so she can send you an invite.
Thanks for visiting!
Stepmumoftheyear, can you do the same for me? I have been so bummed to not be able to read her blog! It was so nice to know that someone else was living through the same stuff as me!
Thanks!
Please forward her mine as well! Sorry to bother you! I stopped reading for a minute and now suddenly it’s private. I’m so sad!
Just a further thought…..
We should be using these articles and reflections to look at our own selves very closely too.
Being in a relationship for a long time with a person with narcissistic tendencies, meant that I had to face the truth that I have many features of a codependent personality style, and they needed attention. I still have a long way to go. The internet is a thriving arena for those in all manner of psychological distress, myself included.
Calling people “The Shit” is awful in my opinion, unless of cause we are calling ourselves “The fat lazy bitch…or the Over indulged Princess”Even then, I don’t think it serves us or anyone well.
Anyway, it’s a glorious day! Lets go out and enjoy ourselves, ALL of our children and our families!
Our PEG fits all of this to a tee, I had never thought to use the word narcissistic to describe her but after having read what defines that type of parent, I have not stopped nodding my head in agreement once. She loves to blame us for her shortcomings and has many many times, her biggest lie and focus is to make people believe she is the best mother in the world and nothing is ever her fault. It always falls on my husband, her son’s father. Hubbs didn’t know what he was getting into and hadn’t dated PEG long enough to figure out her crazy behavior. Once he found out she was pregnant her true colors started to show and the rest follows this pattern exactly. She wants so badly for people to take her side, and think she is the best, while putting down Hubbs and trying to pretend he is an absent father, while she refused to move like they had originally agreed when they found out she was pregnant. We have gone out of our way to try and accommodate her crazy behavior but there is no winning in this crazy game. We do what is best for the son and ignore her as much as possible. I used to think she might get tired and sick of playing these games, but she continues to prove me wrong. I have started to realize she lives for this kind of drama….
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