Kela Price, founder of Today’s Modern Family is a one-woman trove of family and relationship resources, with a strong focus on stepfamilies.
Kela’s recent article on Super Stepmom Syndrome will, I’m sure, hit a few nerves. If you’re a woman who has tried to control do it all in her stepfamily (and we’ve all been there!), you might find it a trifle confronting, but it’s well worth the challenge.
Super Stepmom Syndrome
I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.
Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?
Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.
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I’ve been reading your blogs for awhile, and it’s helped me develop a better understanding about how difficult things are for stepmothers everywhere. I have only recently become a step mum too.
I guess I was just wondering if terms like”Super Stepmum Syndrome” helped you in your role as a stepmum? I don’t find it helps me. Nowdays so many people are trying to label or pathologise what I think are quite normal reactions to difficult situations, and this only seems to increase the victimisation and sense of self righteous surrounding the issue, whether it be step parenting, sexuality, or anything else that we identify with.
It strikes me as easier to create a digestible pop psychology term like SSS or teddy bear conflict models, than to take a good honest look into the real reasons behind why we might be feeling overwhelmed by stress, or not listened to, or depressed. I find far more value in staying away from labels and keeping things real.
Nor does it help me that American jingo-isms cause me to cringe .
That’s just what works for me, anyway.
Keep up the great site!
Hi Lou
Thanks for visiting; I’m glad you find the site useful.
I don’t find phrases like “Super Stepmom Syndrome” helpful as such, but I also don’t think the writer was trying to describe a “syndrome” in the true pathological sense of the word, more an over-achieving tendency that is common to lots of stepmothers. Ultimately I think many of us are pattern recognisers, so a term like that one works as a useful aide-memoire. Hopefully, reading the article might encourage us to notice negative feelings (of being taken advantage of, under-appreciated or whatever), be reminded of the central idea that attempting to over-achieve in step relationships leads to depletion and conflict and identify that we need to do less or try less hard, if that in fact is part of the problem.
Similarly with the conflict styles; I found the image of the Care Bear conflict type quite an arresting one when my mediation lecturer explained it, and feel that the visual helps me to notice those tendencies in myself when they arise.
So perhaps it comes down to learning styles -for some people labels and catchphrases are irritating and diminishing, for others they are useful in assisting pattern- and behaviour-recognition.
Another strategy I use is to ask myself “What is really happening here?” or “What am I really feeling [blank] about here?” – quite similar to the good honest look you advocate. Like so many things, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
Thanks for your thoughtful contribution!
Hey Lou… good call…I reckon sometimes your so busy trying to work out why you feel bad you just try to find things to fit…
I used to read all those pop-pschology books all the time, theyt are addictive I think. Like a short fix but really dont help in the long term.
Like coming off drugs I reckon you need to look at the source of hte problem and sometimes make the changes that make you uncomfortable rather than tring to put bandaides on everything, theose books are just another bandaide.