Monday was the first night of our regular week with the kids.
As usual, Boy A was fairly hostile towards me: he refused to respond to my hello, and every comment I made (not to him – I don’t waste time trying to make conversation with him directly) was met with a shrug or a smart remark.
For instance, I was talking to the other boys about making Crepes Suzette for dessert this week and describing how we would set fire to the crepes before serving them.
(Setting fire to foodstuffs has gigantic appeal to boys, in my experience.)
At this point, Boy A butted in to snidely suggest that he’d rather pour petrol than liqueur on the crepes. To which I replied that he was quite welcome to add petrol to his own serve.
Normally I wouldn’t have responded that way; that night had me teetering alarmingly close to the cliff edge of my self control.
His rejoinder?
“Yeah, that’s really funny.”
Oh, right, because it was all about me being funny at his expense.
Anyway, by 5pm I’d had it and retreated to the bedroom with my laptop for much of the rest of the evening, feeling besieged and frustrated but glad to be avoiding further hurtful comments and pointed exclusion.
Later, once the kids were finally in bed, I asked the Lovely Man how he felt the evening had gone and whether there was anything extra I could have done to support him with the kids.
I was expecting to talk about specific tasks, like me doing dinner so he could cover homework duty – that kind of mundane stuff.
Instead, I heard:
“I think it was good that you kind of made yourself scarce and kept a low profile in the bedroom, because Boy A finds it difficult when he thinks you’re too much in the foreground.”
*Cue crickets*
Finally, I found my voice.
“I’m all in favour of keeping things low-key, especially in the first 24 hours we have the Boys, but I am NOT going to hide out in the bedroom or generally fade into the wallpaper because Boy A prefers it that way. His behaviour is the problem here, NOT MINE.”
Turns out that the Lovely Man hadn’t even noticed Boy A’s nastiness, and just thought I was relaxing in the bedroom because I wanted to.
I found it disturbing and a bit hurtful, though, that it’s considered preferable that I minimise my presence and role in the house to keep the peace and keep Boy A “happy”.
Ultimately, I think those kinds of accommodations devalue and disrespect me and enable Boy A to continue deferring his adjustment to our family situation.
I understand that the Lovely Man feels stuck in a lose/lose situation, juggling to keep everyone happy, but this incident has made me wonder – if my best contribution is made by downplaying my existence in what is meant to be my part-time home, why am I here at all?
As a stepmother, are you ever asked or expected to downplay yourself or fade into beige to keep others in your stepfamily “comfortable”?
Hi SOTY – this is my first response to your blog, but I read it often and find it really helpful, and a bit of fun too which is nice for step-Mums!
My response to the experience you’ve outlined above is that Boy A is doing this stuff and making these comments because he is allowed to get away with it – I think the lovely man should be letting him know that being rude and unkind to you is not on. TLM also needs to let Boy A know that you all live together now, and you all need to find a way to get along and be respected in your own homes.
The bit that drives me crazy is that it’s not like us step-Mums just found a house with the light on one night and walked in – we were invited by our own lovely men to join them and their kids! And as far as I’m concerned as long as we are respectful and as understanding as possible of the kids, then it’s reasonable that they should do the same for us.
No one’s saying it’s easy, or even that it’s how we’d prefer to live, but Boy A needs his Dad to help him realise that his Dad INVITED you to be part of the family because he loves you – just like he loves his kids, so you all have a legitimate place in the house that deserves respect. It is no more OK to expect you to “fade away” to the bedroom than it would be to expect Boy A to hide in his room for the whole visit. I think TLM should have a (preferably kind and understanding) chat with Boy A about his expectations for how you are treated.
But that’s just what I think, and I’m probably the converted :-)
Good luck, Kerryn.
I so agree with you, Kerryn. And thanks for reading.
The Lovely Man is thankfully very good about telling Boy A to knock it off, and consistently tries to get him to behave respectfully, which is great.
Unfortunately it seems to do very little good – Boy A is extremely stubborn, and there’s been a lot of PAS-type behaviour from his mother, which hasn’t helped things.
Love your point about having been invited into our families! Sounds like we both belong to the converted…
B
My response to the whole crepe thing would’ve been – “fine, don’t have any then.”
If I plan something and one of my stepkids gives me a hard time or gives me lip about it (which thankfully they rarely do) – I would not include them in “our” fun then.
This is your home and you shouldn’t feel like a prisoner in it just because Boy A is having a hard time. Nor should be allowed to ruin the fun of the other kids.
I hate to admit this but I was guilty of letting my kids rule my house at one time. Granted, I think it was only because I was ready to move on from the relationship, but it was still wrong. Here is how I put it to my kids when I embarked on my current relationship – you will treat your stepdad with the same respect you give any adult like your teachers, a policeman or doctor, you do not have to like him but you will be respectful – period, and dole out consequences accordingly. We discussed this at a “family meeting” (my kids hate that term LOL) and also discussed the consequences which escalated. We don’t have a problem with disrespect anymore towards my husband, me on the other hand…well we are still working on that. That’s a whole nother story.
One of these awesome step-mom blogs just had some great advice the other day. DO NOT LET YOUR HOUSE BE RUN BY CHILDREN. I get it…easier said than done, but I took that advice and feel better already. I’m the adult. I help pay the bills. I get to “be” in my home whenever I want, however I want. It’s MY home that SD lives in, not hers. She doesn’t get to make nasty comments to me….I used to let them slide but one day the “yell heard around the world” happened…and she has markedly watched her mouth since. I let it all out one day. NO MORE. My husband just stood there with his mouth open (he was upset at the way I handled it) but we got through it and he FINALLY understood how upset and hurt I was by her behavior and his lack of support. Life ain’t easy, but it is getting better.
Maybe Boy A needs some counseling. Couldn’t hurt and might make you feel better in the meantime. Hang in there….you are a GOOD momma and your pain today will be rewarded later.
Oh, I so, so agree about not letting a house be run by kids. I think my partner has a bit in the past, but he seems to be getting into his Daddy groove and being a bit firmer, which is great – and better for the kids, too.
Agree with all comments. It’s important to let the kids know (not only the parent telling them, but also the step parent) that the step parent is not becoming the parent, but is NOT going away, will have authority, will not be disrespected, and the parent and step parent will welcome any of the kids into the circle of love that has been created by the parent and step parent. If they don’t want in, that’s their problem.
The dynamics may not change the way we want them to, but some degree of acceptance begins to develop. Calmness begins to prevail. It is hard with more than one stepchild, because they always feed off each other and have connections with each other and comments to each other about you (like”she’s a witch…tell Dad…you don’t need to take that.”). That will never change. There will be blow-ups. A recent decision of mine has been KYMS…keep your mouth shut in many situations. Stay out of the fray. Do what you must for them according to what you and TLM decide, endure amazement at the boys’ ignorance. Retreat to re-establishing your center, but don’t let them know they can chase you away from TLM or out of range of them. Do not say anything to one about one of the others. Blood is thicker than water and they will use anything against you.
Keep the faith, if you love TLM. He is why you are there. Love him and make him understand your love for him is why you are there. Don’t let them get you.
My husband rarely tells me to “back off” or anything like that. I think he realizes that in general I have my SS’s best intentions in mind, and also that I do not allow disrespect. I have said more than once “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to!” and “That shit might fly at your mother’s house, but not over here.” But BM also isn’t actively trying to turn SS against me, which makes it a bit of a different situation.
You really shouldn’t be expected to “go away” or anything like that… if being scarce the first 24 hours helps, then maybe ok… but YOU aren’t the rude brat causing issues, therefore why should you be “sent to your room” so to speak? If Boy A can’t behave like a normal person then he can go to his room until he can. And it needs to be that way whether he is treating you poorly or the other boys. If his bad behavior doesn’t get him attention, he will eventually knock it off.
Wow, did this post ever hit the spot. I used to always retreat or leave my house in order to accommodate the steps. I will no longer do so. If they are not comfortable in my presence, then they can either go to their rooms or preferably, back to their mother’s.
Boy A sounds like a selfish brat. If he doesn’t want crepes (silly, silly boy!), then he would not be involved in the process.
Oh my word! That is ridiculous for you to be expected to make yourself scarce to suit Boy A’s bratty whims. It is your home and your family just as much as it is his. Catering to bratty behavior only encourages it, in my opinion.
Sorry he’s so rude to you, that really sucks!!
That’s just not okay. I agree with all the others that you should not have to retreat in your own house. I know you said that he does call his son out on his rude behavior to you, but that it does no good. Maybe it’s time for him to also start doling out consequences for his bad behavior. I know this makes you seem like the bad guy, but this rudeness is simply not acceptable…can he sit down with his son and tell him that it is just not acceptable to him when he is rude to you?
I would suggest he do this when there is no rude behavior and not in your presence ‘cos otherwise, the kid may take it that his dad is “forced” to defend you because you are right there….KWIM?
I would also completely stop doing anything for this kid until things change.
My partner agrees with you, and has had many, many talks, both stern and gentle, with Boy A, and will often make him, for instance, say hello/goodnight/answer my questions, as well as jumping on behaviour like dramatically moving his chair as far as possible from mine at the dinner table. Nothing seems to make a difference!
However, Boy A did happy up and become less hostile as the visit went on. It really mucks with my head that one day he can be being 1000% brutally rude and rejecting, then 24 hours later has made the shift into being quite ok (providing I don’t set the bar for “ok” too high!).
I know that kids get handover syndrome, but his is so extreme that it’s hard to take in. And some visits it never abates at all, like the week we spent with the Boys at the snow…. but that’s another story.
In my stepson’s final days in our home, I spent a great deal of time locked away in my bedroom, not because anyone expected or told me to go there but because it was the only place I could relax and find any peace. Stepson was very out of control, loud, obnoxious, foul-mouthed, and completely intolerable. He hated my existence and, well, the feeling was mutual. Some days the only thing that kept me from running screaming from the house was that closed bedroom door.
Oh that’s terrible. It sounds to me that if Boy A isn’t comfortable perhaps HE needs to be the one having a time out.