Recognising (the dynamics of) high conflict divorce

I recently found a fascinating article by Dr Kathy J. Marshack about high-conflict divorce. Although she primarily talks about high conflict divorce with a narcissist, I think her ideas are broadly applicable to other high-conflict personality types.

For me, what was interesting wasn’t so much the pointers on recognising a high-conflict divorce as such (I think most of us know when it’s happening to us!) but the insight it offers into the contribution the lower-conflict spouse makes to the conflict dynamic by playing “nice” and aspiring desperately to co-parent “properly” – even when their ex-spouse is simply not equipped to do so.

In effect, these lower-conflict Care Bear types fuel the fire in their own way by insisting on playing by an inappropriately win-win philosophy, and that’s something we seldom recognise.

Drawing attention to this dynamic is not about blaming the victim; instead, it’s about reminding us of the futility of continuing to remain attached to ineffective strategies even when they’re clearly not working.

If madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, maybe spouses who avoid getting or enforcing court orders and try again and again to reach consensus decisions with high-conflict exes are perpetrating their own version of crazy without even knowing it.

(That being said, I’m not for a moment suggesting that egalitarian ex-spouses attempt to emulate high-conflict tactics… Face it, as well as it being a negative and damaging approach, you’re simply not as good at anger, manipulation and confrontation as a naturally high conflict person!)

It seems to me that one of the major problems is when the egalitarian ex-spouse feels responsible for the rugged shape of the high-conflict co-parenting landscape. They feel like the level of conflict and lack of cooperation reflects badly on them, making them one of those parents who seem unable to “put the kids first”.

Lacking innate understanding of how high-conflict people work, they are sure that by continuing to set good examples of compromise and negotiation and applying the Golden Rule, their ex-spouse will eventually “see the light”, recognise the benefit to the kids and reform their ways. They try valiantly to be the perfect co-parent, perhaps trying to finally “earn” the approval and acknowledgement of their efforts that were never forthcoming during their marriage.

Or they are held hostage by fear of the kids being recruited and alienated by the other parent and become so ginger about not exacerbating the craziness or putting the kids in the middle that they end up a puppet to the whims and agendas of the high conflict parent.

There’s no easy answer, but the way forward is likely to require egalitarian types to have a radical rethink of how they deal with their high conflict ex-spouses, and insist strongly and firmly on appropriate boundaries and structure regarding communication, decision-making and interaction with the ex.

Instituting low-contact communication and adopting a parallel parenting instead of co-parenting model based on detailed parenting orders may offer other ways to mitigate the impact of your very own high-conflict ex-spouse.

Good luck.

From Recognising High Conflict Divorce:

“While controlling people are narcissistic and do not understand you, the other ingredient for a high conflict divorce is the narcissist’s counterpart, a person who works for equality in relationships. This type of person is often very nurturing and self-effacing, and has a strong sense of justice. Thus while the controlling person works toward a win-lose solution to problems, the nurturing or egalitarian person works for a win-win solution. According to Patricia Evans, this places the win-win person at a disadvantage. While the egalitarian person keeps empathizing with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, the controlling person views this behavior as weak and an opportunity to conquer.

Essentially the controlling person creates a power struggle with the unwitting egalitarian. This keeps the egalitarian “on the hook,” so to speak because they can’t seem to realize that they will never create a win-win solution with a controlling person. Sadly it appears to be true that narcissists marry egalitarians and create high conflict divorces all too often.”

Visit Recognising High Conflict Divorce for the rest of the article.

The Shake Up

The Boys have been in Our City for the holidays for nearly a week, and it’s past time for a shake up of their rules and responsibilities.

Some things they’re doing well; dishes are mostly getting put into the dishwasher with few and sometimes no reminders, and shoes are staying in one big pile near the door rather than being scattered across the deck.

In the lounge, though, comics, cushions, toys and food wrappers have collected to form a chaotic compost of boystuff that drives me to the edge of my tolerance.

The bathroom is likewise a scene of horror, with chunks of toothpaste adhered like lazy snails to the basin and toiletries, and toothbrushes, towels and discarded clothes strewn about randomly.

The “stupid” houserules have mysteriously disappeared from their place on the fridge.

The Lovely Man doesn’t seem bothered by all this, or even to notice it most of the time. In fact, he admitted when I asked that he had taken down the houserules after the Boys’ last visit. Whattha?!?!

We discussed the Boys’ contributions to the household last night. It wasn’t heated, but we weren’t wholly on the same page, either.

Unsurprisingly, he is less than keen to take on the resistance and conflict of making the Boys do more regular or more sustained chores. After all, given that he’s not bothered by the mess, why would he go to enormous efforts to change it?

The houserules are a puzzle. We went to a lot of trouble to draft them – a group discussion with the counsellor, a house meeting, input from the kids.

All I can think is that really, the Lovely Man is not that comfortable with structured rules, perhaps equating them with harshly authoritarian parenting styles.

(Whereas I see them as an essential framework for creating healthy boundaries and familiar expectations within which everyone in the house can – hopefully – flourish.)

Also, I think the Lovely Man tends to overestimate the Boys’ current contributions and underestimate their capacity for more meaningful contributions.

I said to him last night:

Do you really think that at 8, nearly 10 and nearly 12, the little they do now is all they are capable of doing?

He must have seen my point, because this morning he announced that the Boys will have three new chores to share between them each morning – picking up food from the floor beneath the dining table, tidying the bathroom and tidying the comics.

There was moaning and grizzling and general resistance, but not too much. As the Lovely Man pointed out, each task takes about three minutes – hardly an oppressive degree of exertion.

And the rules? I’ll be reprinting and reposting them tomorrow.

What could do with a shake up in your step household?

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among separated parents? (from In The Blender)

A couple of days ago, I reposted an article from Suite 101 called How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce in response to the huge weight of discussion in the online step-parenting community about personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the conflict explosions they reportedly generate in separation, divorce and co-parenting situations.

(Some of the comments on that post have been really interesting, and relate equally to this topic. Just so you know…)

To round out the topic, I’m reposting a great article by BioStep at In The Blender that explores Borderline Personality Disorder, the personality disorder most commonly mentioned in relation to co-parenting and divorce.

Only a small portion of BioStep’s article is included here, but it’s well worth clicking through (the link is at the end) to read the rest.

If what you read there rings true for you, there are some good resources available online about Borderline Personality Disorder generally, as well as a Yahoo usergroup specifically for people in “the sad and scary position of having to “co-parent” with a BPD against their choice”, and an online shop where you can buy William Eddy’s classic book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing A Borderline or Narcissist.

(I don’t like the term “bio-mother/mum/mom” and don’t normally use it myself, hence it is not included in the title of this post. Sorry, BioStep!)

Is there really an epidemic of BPD among BioMoms?

It wasn’t until I became involved with the stepmom community that I heard about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  The first book I encountered was “Stop Walking on Eggshells:  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” (by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger).  The book asks: Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid the next confrontation?

I can hear the pastor of The Church of Stepmom saying, “Can I get an amen???”

If you’re reading the posts on stepmom support sites, BPD symptoms describe the behavior of a lot of biomoms perfectly and many stepmoms freely throw around an armchair diagnosis. But is there really an epidemic of undiagnosed BPD running rampant among biomoms?

Maybe.  Maybe not.

. . . . . . . . . .

Visit In The Blender to read the rest of the article.

The shame of exposure (via Stepsleuth)

Stepsleuth writes one of the most thoughtful, well-informed stepmother blogs around.

I always enjoy her writing and ideas; this post particularly resonated, though, since I’ve become so accustomed to the slow-up-and-down-eyes of first family wives when we are introduced and they realise that the Lovely Man’s Boys are not also my boys.

Accustomed isn’t perhaps the ideal word; nothing could “accustom” me to the unpleasantness of those judgemental, slowly appraising glances.

I wonder if/when it will stop?

I will confess—I love going to B&Bs. I love all the hokey decorations and the faux Victorian stylings. But the one thing I don’t love so much is having to talk to the owners and other guests at breakfast. I prefer my breakfasts quiet—just my husband and me—and (I have to be honest) I really don’t care about chatting it up with people I’ll never see again. But what makes every B&B breakfast ever so much more uncomfortable is everyone’s ine … Read More

via Stepsleuth

Holidays?

I am absolutely trashed with tiredness.

It’s been a busy few days; the Boys’ arrival, visitors, including a child who gets up four-plus times for the toilet each night, a midnight replay of some Grand Final or other that the Lovely Man simply had to watch.

And for the past two mornings, since the Boys arrived, we’ve been woken up multiple times by small bedroom visitors well before seven o’clock each morning.

……

We’re bored.

……

Boy B is hitting me!

……

We want to play PS3.

Despite refusal of permission from the Lovely Man, this was followed shortly by a blast of PS3 muzak at around sixty decibels.

Have I ever mentioned that our bedroom is separated from the TV and loungeroom by flimsy glass doors?

[Damn you, PS3. I never liked your dreadful soundtracks, the way you take over my living area or how wired you make the Boys, and now I like you less than ever. If I had my way I would donate you to a family in India so they could run a lucrative Ps3 café in their village.]

Added to my irritation was that every. single. visitation. was unaccompanied by the knock on the door stipulated by our “stupid” houserules.

So every. single. visitation. required me to wrestle the covers over my top half in a mad panic.

Finally, I gave up trying to snooze and lay in bed, listening to the sounds of  kids bickering, visitors chatting, the dog barking, doors slamming and PS3 warfare compete with the softer but equally unsettling background noises generated by inexperienced baristas mauling my beloved espresso machine.

I’m told they call this the holidays?

[Sorry, whinging will cease tomorrow. If I get at least five hours of unbroken sleep.]

Resources: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Many, many separated family members describe the difficulty of co-parenting with high-conflict ex-spouses who they believe suffer from personality disorders, most often Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Of course, few of these “diagnoses” will ever be confirmed by medical opinion, and most are probably applied mistakenly.

In many cases, these disorders become shorthand mis/labels for the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting; in others, people begin to doubt their own sanity in the face of behaviour patterns that seem completely incomprehensible.

Certainly, blogs like The Psycho Ex Wife describe conflicts so hideous that we can only begin to imagine the human cost of dealing with such depleting levels of crazy.

Hopefully, most of us (and the small ones we care about) will never have to cope with pathological narcissism, but if you do, it’s surely better to be informed and gather some strategies; resources are listed at the end of the article.

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How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

By Paula Lovgren

Narcissistic Parents Emotionally Abuse Children. -Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Narcissists often use children as pawns during and after divorce. Learn to identify this emotional abuse of children caught in the middle.

The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.

Using Children as Pawns in Divorce

Narcissistic parents will often seek custody of children during a divorce even if previously they were not involved parents. It’s important to them to appear to be the better parent. Also, if they have custody of the children, it gives them another way to continue to control and abuse their spouse.

If narcissists don’t get custody of the children, after divorce, they may use visitation as a means of control and harassment. They may ask for many changes to visitation schedules to accommodate optional work, social and vacation events. Most often these requests will be to not to have the children when they are scheduled to. Narcissists may refuse to accommodate the spouse’s requests even when the requests are made for the benefit of the children.

………….

Read the rest of the article at Suite101: How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce

Warning signs for stepmothers

Ask a stepmother what advice she’d give to another woman deciding whether to get involved with a man with kids, and the cliché is that she’ll screech:

Run! Run like the wind!

I’ve been tempted to trot this one out couple of times, like when a close friend told me that her new guy had her stay at his house for three days without ever admitting to his full-custody thirteen-year-old daughter that they were dating. And that he referred to this same daughter as “My Special Princess”.

[pukes]

Mostly, though, I resist sounding the fire alarm in these situations. Despite the challenges of stepfamily life, I’m very happy with the Lovely Man, and the Boys certainly keep life interesting.

In any case, we all know what the honeymoon phase of a new relationship feels like; warnings, however justified and well-intended, tend to fall bounce right off the warnee – and generally, rebound to hit the warner schmack! in the face.

Six months in, the warnee may well realise that indeed, it’s not ideal that her partner douses his breakfast cereal in scotch each morning, or has a penchant for wearing garments made from the pelts of stray cats.

Six weeks in, though, when the lust – ahem! – love is still coursing unhindered by pesky reality, funny little details like that get dismissed as merely eccentric, and the warner is written off as simply small-minded/intolerant/jealous.

Nonetheless, here is my list of five things you might want to pay careful attention to as a new/potential stepmother.

Scrape off the love scales and look around.

Look again, harder.

If more than a couple of these are going down, consider keeping your exit strategy dust-free and in good order, because you might need it.

Or at least have a good stepfamily counsellor at the ready.

(Cue Jaws music…)

1. Many months – or more – into the new relationship, things are serious, you’re talking marriage/moving in, but he seems ultra-resistant to the idea of you meeting his kids.

Actually, he seems terrified. He may have made and broken a series of promises with excuses like:

We’ll just wait until the kids graduate kindergarten/high school/college/finally get all their wisdom teeth through/finish learning to fly.

You’ve got to wonder, is he afraid you’ll morph into a fairytale wicked stepmother? Does he feel like he doesn’t truly deserve to have a partner or be happy? What’s really happening here?

There’s no real consensus about the appropriate time to introduce a new partner, except that it probably shouldn’t be before you are seriously committed to each other and have spent enough months together to genuinely know what being committed to each other means, the bads as well as the goods.

For many men, though, there is so much fear of and for their kids rolled up in the “all-important” introduction that they leave the woman they say they want to build a life with feeling like a dirty little secret – for many months or even years. Not a good look.

2. On the other hand, be wary if he wants you to instantly meet the kids.

(Especially if there’s talk of babysitting! Does this guy want a wife/mother replacement or a partner?)

Flattering as it may seem, your trouble-on-two-legs sirens should be blaring if he talks in any way that implies you will be a “new Mummy” to his children, or make up to them for alleged poor mothering by his ex.

Why? Because anyone who thinks their child’s biological parent can be replaced so seamlessly is not only deluded, but almost certain to expect that you’ll love his kids “like your own”.

Holy Recipe for Misery and Disaster, Batman!

3. A related concern would be where you’ve met the kids, maybe even moved in and he wants you to take charge of discipline.

Orangutans at the local zoo could tell you this isn’t going to work, but it’s incredible how many women launch in, determined to shine the Holy Light of Reasonable Boundaries on an out-of-control, rule-free-zone stepfamily.

As Wednesday Martin says in Stepmonster, this is a nothing but a cop-out. In theory, he wants his kids to benefit from better discipline but only if he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. He’s sacrificing your chance of a good relationship with the kids to maintain his own parenting comfort zone.

And worst of all? When you try to implement the agreed consequences, he’ll almost certainly trot out the sensational climax of the Daddy Rocks Popularity Revue by over-ruling your efforts because you’re being “way too tough” on his little darlings.

4. Another valid basis for a freak-out is if you notice that when his ex says “jump!”, your bloke says “how high?” (or, even worse, “off what?”)

Sometimes it’s because he’s desperate to keep the peace; more often, I suspect, it’s because whatever his legal status, his emotional divorce is incomplete. Sure, he might be keen to start again, but he hasn’t really left his marriage behind – guilt, unprocessed sorrow and unacknowledged loss tangle together, tying him emotionally to his ex.

Not precisely what you signed up for, although it may not be the end of the world.

If it doesn’t wind up quickly, though, you risk blinking out of the love haze to find that your relationship is a hotbed of emotional adultery, with all the consequences that entails for intimacy, for trust, financially and in a million other ways.

5. Finally, if the man you’re seeing seems to want his kids’ or ex-wife’s seal of approval on his decision to date you, be very, VERY afraid.

For instance, if his teenage daughter boasts about having had power of veto over his past girlfriends, or a four-year-old seems to be calling the shots on how long you are “allowed” stay out at dinner….

Or if he tells you his ex has a “No skanks around the kids” policy (a verbatim quote from a separated mum I know – quelle horreur!) and insists on popping you into the hot seat to face twenty [thousand] questions from her on what was meant to be your fourth or even your fourteenth date….

Run! Run like the wind!

Ruuuuuuuunnn – while you still can!

What other warning signs should a new stepmother/woman dating a man with kids keep in mind?

The countdown

Pillows, mattresses and doonas are sunned, aired and smoothed.

Beds are made up – navy and white star bedspreads, varied with sky blue, ruby red and burnt orange sheets. The colours burn; they’re beautiful.

Cupboards are emptied, ready for small socks, long, skinny pants and tee shirts printed with animals real and imagined (but almost always viciously slavering).

Cereal has been purchased in vast quantities. And kid cheese. Along with three types of fruit juice and more varieties of snacks than I’ve seen in whole supermarkets on some remote islands.

A few fridge magnets featuring obscenities have been hurriedly plucked from their places and hidden away, leaving gaps.

Bright pool towels are waiting, folded; the water is around 15 degrees but that won’t matter.

I’ve cleaned everything, though by this time tomorrow night the house will be awash with toys and books and bits of food and Lego will mingle on the floor.

The Boys are coming. It’s late; time minus sixteen hours till the boats hit the beaches and the troops unload, three tired, hungry handover refugees.

I take a deep breath, and wait.

Super Stepmother Syndrome

Kela Price, founder of Today’s Modern Family is a one-woman trove of family and relationship resources, with a strong focus on stepfamilies.

Kela’s recent article on Super Stepmom Syndrome will, I’m sure, hit a few nerves. If you’re a woman who has tried to control do it all in her stepfamily (and we’ve all been there!), you might find it a trifle confronting, but it’s well worth the challenge.

Super Stepmom Syndrome

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.

Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?

Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.

…….

(Read the rest of the article)

Meditations on conflict

A recent peek into my blog stats showed up this search string:

“killer care bear”

And this:

“vicious care bear”

And my favourite:

“care bears with guns”

As a mediator, I know that a “care bear” conflict style (often called a “teddy bear” conflict style) is more sinister and dangerous than the pastel-fluffy saccharine images the phrase conjures up would suggest.

(Kind of like My Little Pony: Reign of Buttercup Sprinkles, then.)

Seriously, though, being a typical stepfamily care bear – not speaking up, always putting the kids first, minimising your own needs – may have a short-term payoff in terms of not having to engage in confronting conflict, but it comes at an enormous price in terms of withdrawal, rumination and ultimately, stepmother depression.

I don’t know what the research says (or even if there is any), but it’s easy to speculate that a large proportion of stepfamily breakdowns could well be attributable to unmanaged depression. It’s hard to invest in your relationship when you’re depressed, and the normal emotional rough-and-tumble of stepfamily life quickly becomes overwhelming when your emotional resources are depleted.

By their very nature (and not because your family is a failure), stepfamilies are often rife with family conflict. It’s normal, especially over the first two to five years.

But it’s worth paying special attention to how you “do” conflict in order to learn strategies for managing conflict in your family.

For instance, you could use a self-assessment tool to investigate whether you have a care bear/teddy bear conflict style.

If you do, I strongly recommend Self-Assertion For Women by Pamela E. Butler. It’s available inexpensively on Amazon and provides insights that are potentially quite life-changing.

For instance, did you know that there are four main types of assertive behaviour (expressing positive feelings, expressing negative feeling, setting limits and taking self-initiation action) and that you may struggle with some areas but be appropriately assertive in others?

Whether this has anything to do with an apparent reader obsession with plush toys with fangs, I can’t say.

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Less chirpily, my blogs stats also dredged up this search:

“when stepkids blackmail stepmum”

Hmmm. Saints preserve us.

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As well as:

“what is mean stepmother’s day“

If that’s a question, I sure don’t have an answer!

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Finally, though, there was this:

“i am lucky to have my stepmom”

[Smiles]