Disengaging is not a new concept in step-land.
But it was new to me when I first came across some articles a few months back.
At that time, I was trying trying trying to get the Lovely Man’s kids, and especially Boy A, to like me.
There were thoughtful little gifts, special efforts to make their favourite foods, questions about their interests and opinions.
Boy B was mostly ok, though he was wary and occasionally rejecting. The day I overheard him tell Boy A that he hated me I went into our bedroom and cried.
Boy C was, as ever, fun and funny to be around, offering me a level of mostly unconditional trust and pleasure at our friendship that felt like it was all that was getting me through.
Boy A, though, was really letting rip. Everything I did was stupid, he felt free to criticise my appearance, my cooking, my family. The sighs of disdain rang out and the eyes rolled and his gaze and ears were always averted from me. He actively sought to exclude me and tried to build alliances with the Lovely Man against me.
My poor sister used to patiently hear out my venting and say:
B, you’ve got to stop trying so hard! Just ignore him if he’s being nasty.
That was her approach with her own (heavily alienated) stepdaughter, and she found there was less pressure on them both.
But me? I Wasn’t Giving Up.
But then, after a particularly awful visit, I came across the disengaging concept.
Here’s the classic piece about The Disengaged Stepparent.
And Help! My Wife is Disengaged, an article aimed at men with frustrated stepparent partners.
And finally, Disengaging Made Easy.
(A lie, I’m afraid. It’s not actually easy. But it’s easier than the alternative!)
I didn’t follow the suggestions exactly.
I haven’t refused to do laundry, or made any big announcements. I will if I need to, though.
Here’s what I now do differently:
I’ve mostly given up cooking for the Boys.
It was causing me way too much grief to have my nice meals rudely rejected, so mostly I allow the Lovely Man make the dinners. If I do cook, it’s something their Dad makes that they’ve had a million times before, or a dessert that they’ve eaten in the past and liked. School lunches, when I make them, are exactly what they had the previous day.
The best thing? I’m not giving anyone a hook to hang their loyalty issues or desire to reject me on.
I now almost never buy little treats or presents for the Boys.
I liked doing it, but I didn’t like being expected to do it or not being thanked, so I stopped.
If, for instance, I decide to go to the fancy deli to buy Boy A’s favourite gourmet jam so he has an extra breakfast option, I don’t mention it, or I let him think the Lovely Man bought it.
It’s not that I don’t want to do nice things for the Boys – I do – it’s that I don’t want the stress of being unhappy with the way they choose to react, or to add to the “pity spoiling” they already get from other family members.
Instead, I aim to be completely present in the time I spend with them, whether that’s wrestling on the floor or helping with their homework.
I play with Boys B and C and hang out when and as much as I feel like.
Generally, we have a play session each day, but if I feel like staying in my bedroom with a book, then I do it without feeling guilty.
And because I’m actually enjoying the time I spend with the younger Boys rather than forcing it, we have more fun. They beg me to come and play now.
I no longer try to include Boy A. He’d be welcome if he wanted to join in, but he never does and I don’t mind at all.
I try to do what I say I will rather than “give in” to be popular.
So last visit I told the Boys they could choose a treat for two days of smooth morning school runs. If both mornings hadn’t ended being smooth, they would not have gotten their treat.
I tell Boy C exactly what time I will read until in the evenings, and it is his job to be in his PJs and in bed with clean teeth before that time. The longer he takes getting ready, the shorter his reading time. I don’t give in to cries of “just a few more minutes!”
Because I said I wouldn’t, that’s why. And I want them to know that I can’t be swayed by begging, pouting or bad behaviour.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Ironically, I’m both happier in myself and more popular with the Boys as a result of my decision to disengage.
There are different approaches to disengaging as a stepparent. Depending on the situation, it may not need to be full-scale, on-strike, you’re-hitchhiking-to-school revolution. But I bet there’s a few things in almost every stepmother’s life that might benefit from a strategic disengagement.
What do you disengage from in your stepfamily?
What could you disengage from?
I stopped driving Stepson to school and made him ride the bus, even though it ran by our house at 6am. I stopped taking him to the doctor/dentist when husband could take the time off work. Most of our arguments were in the enclosed space of a vehicle, so if I could avoid car rides with him, it helped a lot. Disengagement put a lot of responsibility in the husband’s lap as “the single parent,” but it definitely helped me survive the teenage years.
wondering who has a yours, mine, and ours blend and how disengagement worked for that situation…
I am facing the beginning of disengagement and have two biokids, one with DH. How do I strike a balance that is right for everyone?
That’s a hard one.
I Googled, and came up with this:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/827161/the_disengaging_stepmom_should_you_pg2.html?cat=25
The writer obviously has “ours” kids because she talked about one of her reasons for disengaging being that her stepdaughter was nasty to her half-brothers.
She seems to feel that the best way was to let her partner take over responsibility for his daughter, i.e. – ‘we both help care for those kids which are ours, and ourselves care for the children who are only our own’. I guess the idea is to only extend yourself further while everyone is being respectful to you.
Jaclyn Fletcher wrote this account of disengaging after her “ours” baby was born:
http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2009/01/06/the-disengagement-creep/
If your stepkids are the ones being disrespectful, whether because of loyalty binds or for whatever reason, I would think it’s ok to disengage from them and focus your attention on the kids who do listen to and respect you.
It’s difficult, though, and with no kids of my own I’m not exactly the best qualified person to answer this.
I’ll post your question and see what other stepmothers have to add.
Thanks for commenting!
Pingback: Disengaging advice needed – stepkids plus mutual kids « Stepmum Of The Year
Wow, that was a thorough and thoughtful response! Thank you! I followed your links and they brought me some peace of mind! Thank you so much for talking about this, it has been validating and eye opening.
I have basically stopped doing everything. I no longer cook for my stepchildren, buy special treats, I do their laundry but only if I have something of my own that needs to be washed – everything. I had to in order to preserve a bit of my sanity. I was expected to do and attend everything they did with absolutely no gratitude whatsoever. In fact, they don’t even talk or greet me and my girls when they are spending time in my house. I was so fed up, I compelely withdrew and disengaged.
I won’t say I love the situation and my household on the weeks when they are present is stress filled, but it does allow me a very lit bit of peace.
Wow, tough subject. In my situation, the kids have adopted a sense of entitlement and have lost a sense of gratitude, thanks to other adults in their lives. I stopped buying them gifts and surprises and only buy what is necessary. They were told why this was happening and seem to slowly be realizing that manners might be important. Laying ourselves down to walk on and not be told “thank you” does no one any favors, including ourselves.
I forgot to ask how old is Boy A? I remember you mention Boy C was seven so I’m figuring he’s just coming up on teenhood and will probably hate everyone, even himself.
He’s 11. Or as my father used to say: “Eleven long, miserable years…”
It’s so rare to see him genuinely happy and relaxed. I’m worried about what the true teen years will bring.
My stepdaughters’ dad actually uses the word ‘disengage’ with me sometimes, so I was really interested to read this. I hadn’t realised it was a concept in step parenting.
I am trying to think of instances of me disengaging and I think they mainly result to discipline issues. Both my stepdaughters often resist or ignore doing what they are asked, especially reasonable things like ‘clean your teeth’, ‘get ready for bed’, ‘take your dirty plate through to the kitchen’.
Truth be told I haven’t completely disengaged, but I back off if it looks like it will turn into a row and let their dad step in. As you say, it reduces stress.
I don’t buy so many treats now either, as the gratitude was often short-lived and it was more likely to lead to expectations of more treats. Having said that, they are still playing with the Lego I got them many, many weeks ago on a rainy Saturday when we were cooped up indoors and that they still like it and can spend hours playing with it is a reward in itself!
It sounds like you’ve set a system that works well for you. I’ve done a little disengaging myself, mostly by pulling myself out of some activities. I understand your frustration over the cooking thing. It doesn’t matter if I make my stepson’s favorite meal, it still gets a complaint? I got a whiny reception to mac & cheese one night. When I said, “I thought it was your favorite,” he replied that it is, but he’d just had it at his grandmother’s house. You just can’t win sometimes.
I most agree with The Smirking Cat on this one. If there is any chance that the children are going to change their behavior, it takes a solid and united front between Step and his/her partner and carefully crafted “disengaging” (within reason).
It’s a mix that is often missing from many situations, but I can’t help but think if we don’t do our best to teach them “right from wrong” and other appropriate ways to act, they’re doomed to a life of rude behavior.
That would suck.
I’m not quite sure I undertsand the disengagement concept entirely, but I recognise that I *do* do this when the discipline stuff gets too hard. Then at times, I realise that my retreat is often unfair on Husband who is struggling with the same discipline issues. Now, we try and work together as much as possible as our time with the kids is limited.
Considering his ex tossed him out when Child#1 was 18mths old and ex-wife was pregnant with child#2 (4mths along) Husband and I have about the same level of parenting skills considering I’ve been in his and the kids lives since child #2 was 3mths old. The kids are now 6.5yrs and 4.5yrs old and we married approx 6mths ago. The MotKids, despite ending their short lived marriage of just under 3yrs in 2005, she is still not *over* the fact that he has moved on rather successfully.
Child #2 is an absolute terror at the moment with his mood swings and tantrums. Time over, I’ve said to my now Husband, that if I met him now, with the kids as they are, there would *not* have been a future with me/us. I would *not* have opted in.
I am reading this with such relief. I’ve done this without even knowing it was a true concept. It is saving my sanity! I just couldn’t, after 6 long years, continue to be used and abused by 2 very unappreciative and entitled young ladies. It is sad, that the guilt the parents feel for the divorce is manipulated by the girls to gain freedoms and “rights” that will only damage them in the long run. But I can’t forever be the only one to see where this is leading, the only “bad guy” as I attempt to parent instead of coddle and be the “best friend”. It saddens me in every way but, I have 3 children of my own that need me to spend my parental energies on them and put my efforts where there might be a reward. Thank you all for your comments, my gratitude will go on and on.
Yep, being the “bad guy” for the kids’ “own good” is so completely ineffective – you never actually manage to improve their diet/manners/schoolwork habits anyway, so why make yourself a target? Or that’s what I’ve come to think on my cynical days, anyway.
I agree totally & can relate fully. Being a stepmom to 4 kids for 30 years has been the worst thing in my life. I started out with the best intentions anyone could EVER HAVE, way back in 1988 but the kids always had loyalty issues.
I cooked & cleaned for them. I ignored that I was being called the “N” word, Whore, and Slut. Their mom just plain hates me and she taught her kids to do the same. At first I didn’t notice but now that I think about it, the kids were sly with their nastiness & their dad either had no clue or just found it easier to turn a blind eye.
Now that all these years of abuse have passed and I am reading articles like this that tell me to forget about pleasing these ppl, YAY!! I am so done, and it helps that they live 2500 miles from us b-cuz I know if they were any closer my husband & I would have divorced too. Althought I haven’t made an official decree to hubby & stepkids, and I feel so deliciously wicked and FREED FROM THE CHAINS OF STEP-MOTHERHOOD that in my heart: They are no longer welcome in my house & I am going to fight tooth & nail to keep their miserable faces off my land and away from my house…:D.
Brilliant! This, too, has been my approach and I was surprised to learn it was a strategy with a name.
I don’t have children of my own and don’t want any. I accept my husband’s 8 year old daughter (met her when she was 3) as exactly that and I am her father’s wife. She lives with her remarried bio mom, mom’s husband and half-siblings. She comes over to our place one day/one night during the weekend.
I am disengaged when she comes over. I do participate or organize in activities if I have time and/or I feel like it. I generally prepare one-two meals or treat us to eating out. That’s it. I don’t have patience for children, even my husband daughter who is *generally* a nice kid.
I think my husband would like me to be more involved but…we’re not going there. It’s his kid, not mine. Discipline standards would lead to clashes. He is willing to let her year old hang out till 10:30 pm and then deal w/the bedtime routine until midnight (reading, chatting, cuddling, etc). Me? After 8pm you’re in your room, period, and lights out at 9;30pm. That’s the way I grew up.
In other words, I preach the gospel of disengagement as the standard for those who marry spouses with children. I realize that others’ circumstances lead to other type of family situations, but I’ve found this to be the best approach for me. I wish my husband’s daughter all the best and she’s part of my life but she’s not part of my family (my parents, two brothers and sisters are). And, quid pro quo, I would be fine if she does not include me in her own family’s activities 20 years from now.
Ha ha… I was doing this and had no clue, too. I learned while dating him though. At first, I wanted them to like me SO bad, but the more time went on, the more I felt better about just keeping a distance and if they want a relationship, I’m here, if not, that’s cool, too. And, he does the parenting. He’s really a great parent and really doesn’t need any help. But, I’m not ugly to them, I just don’t parent them, period. I’m more like the cool aunt, I suppose. What I found, though, as time has gone on, is that there are times where they want my approval and affection and come to me for it. What helps is that I have no kids myself, so I had no idea how to be a mother anyway, so I just did what came natural. Then, I ran across this subject and found that I wasn’t such the trendsetter as I thought.. ha ha.
Wow, I did not realize so many other women out there felt like me. I have been married only a year and a half, my husband has 1 son, he is now 8. He was 5 when we met. I was scared to death to date someone with a kid from the very beginning, but I fell in love and thought I was strong enough to be a step parent. He is not an affectionate fun kid at all. He has a 50/50 living arrangement..yes that means he lives with us for a whole week then his newly wed mother and half siblings the next week. The 7 days on 7 days off sced. really wears me down. I feel like I need some consistancy in my life. I thought with time I would develop a relationship w/ my step son and everything would be fine. I became the disciplinarian…discipline was a new concept to him. He is very spoiled, everyone wants to be the favorite in his life, everyone except me. I was successful in gaining his respect..or fear rather. He does listen to me because he knows I mean what I say but that has not helped. Things have only gotten worse and worse. No matter what I cannot bond w/ this child. I would like for things to be better but the truth is I dont want to do the work I dont want to be in his life I dont want him in mine. I have been so depressed, angry, jealous, resentful. I would have never thought I could feel the way I do towards any child…I definately did not think things would be as bad as they are. I had pretty decided that I was going to ‘disengage’ I did a little research to make me feel better and this site is what I found. It’s nice to know I am not the only one in the world going through this like I thought. It has gotten to the point where I don’t want to go home..I don’t want to around this kid period. I want to feel the way I felt before I was a step parent. Now my focus will be on preserving my marriage. I love my husband and hate that he has to be a single parent and in a sense a part time husband, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s either me disengage from my step parenting role or run away and never come back. I want a successful marriage, and I am willing to work hard for it. But I question everything now about myself and don’t want this role anymore, I have to do this for my sanity…I just hope my husband will stick by me and we can make it through this
I am reading this a couple of years after most of the posts were written but I share the feelings of many of the women who wrote. Love the post and this site feels like a god send. I have recently started disengaging – and I hadn’t known it was a technique used by others! After three years trying to do my best to form a relationship with my partners son (now 18 – I’ve had the worse years I think) I am exhausted and frustrated and sometimes almost at the point of leaving. The boy has problems – school, hygiene, total inability to feel gratitude or give affection,stealing from us, excessive use of computer games, as well as a recurrent epilepsy which is made worse by his refusal to go to bed or to eat properly or to control his computer time. But strange as it may seem he also can be ok sometimes – sort of vulnerable which makes me soften and want to help him. However his father doesn’t like to set limits, believes in freedom for all, and the mother has now moved to the other side of the world so things are not easy here.
I’ve done all the things I read about from others – trying to be a friend, trying to help sort out limits and boundaries, getting over involved in discipline,making pacts, trying to make the food he likes only to have it rejected, buying him presents which he wants but which somehow make him despise me more etc etc.
About a week ago I stopped. I just had enough and decided to detach. It feels far less stressful but obviously his father isn’t too pleased. He always wanted me to get more ‘in there’. Somehow though I have reached a full stop. I have no children of my own. I am living in a foreign country and trying to learn the language(my partner and his son are locals). I am 55 and was used to being independent and confident, with my own work and friends and home. I also made the mistake of moving into the old family home. I knew that was a bad idea but in spite of trying for three years to get my partner to move us all into somewhere new, I have totally failed and we are still here.
Tonight I am feeling very low. There was another row at lunchtime as the boy was playing computer games at the table and I ended up leaving the room and eating somewhere else.
I feel now that our relationship has been badly damaged by all the stress of our situation. Seeing how easily my partner is manipulated has made me lose respect for him – just as his son has no respect. I used to try to help him be stronger but it led to rows and now I need to step back. But I don’t know if this step back will take me right out of the relationship.
It is so helpful to read the posts and messages here. at least I don’t feel so alone and I like this site because it is not filled with people ranting and letting off steam. Sometimes I need to do that too but I don’t feel so negative that I want to make it public. I totally understand the need though – absolutely no judgement here!! I have terrible thoughts at times.
Disengagement I imagine is a long process. We have to change something inside ourselves that wants to be involved and be giving and generous. It is hard and I sometimes get pulled back in but I do feel it is the only way.
Thanks for listening
K
Hang in there, M. Lots of us have been there, we are listening and we understand. xxx
thanks for replying – it’s been a bit of a lonely road even with support of family and friends – because most people don’t really know how deeply it affects me. Other things too of course like trying to adjust to living in a foreign country, there are lots of reasons to feel destabilised. But the situation at home makes me very ungrounded and uncentred sometimes. It helps a lot to have found the stories of others and to know I am not alone. K